Help with translation of German song

[NewYorkDave]

I'm very fond of the old German Christmas song "Leise rieselt der Schnee." I looked for an English translation and found a couple online, but they diverge quite a bit from the original text. I have attempted my own rhyming translation (with a lot of help from a German-English dictionary!) and I would appreciate it if you native speakers could look it over and tell me if, in your opinion, I've come close enough to the spirit of the song.


Danke!

Original:
Leise rieselt der Schnee,
still und starr ruht der See,
weihnachtlich glänzet der Wald,
freue dich, Christkind kommt bald.

In den Herzen wirds warm,
still schweigt Kummer und Harm,
Sorge des Lebens verhallt,
freue dich, Christkind kommt bald.

Bald ist heilige Nacht,
Chor der Engel erwacht,
hört nur, wie lieblich es schallt:
Freue dich, Christkind kommt bald!

English:
Quietly falls the snow
The lake is still in the cold
The trees glow with Christmas lights
The Christ child is coming tonight

In our hearts it is warm
Be still, all sorrow and harm
Fade away, worries of life
The Christ child is coming tonight

Now is the holy night
Choir of angels, arise
Sing sweetly to earth and skies
The Christ child is coming tonight

 

[MartyMart]

That looks pretty good Dave, the spirit is retained but here's a few "touch ups" that may make it more "Hymm - like" and
poetic sounding - if that makes sense ?


Quietly falls the snow
The lake lies still and cold
The Forest glows with Christmas lights
Rejoice, Jesus is born tonight

In the warmth of our hearts
Pain and sorrow is silenced
All our troubles will fade away
Rejoice, Jesus is born tonight

Now is the holy night
Choir of angels, arise
Sing sweetly to earth and skies
Rejoice, Jesus is born tonight


I may have screwed with your "Rhyme" a little though - hope it helps a bit !!

Marty.

 

[Rob Flinn]

Are you trying to say that Babelfish don't do an exact translation with the right words to fi the melody ????

 

[NewYorkDave]

Thanks, guys--and that's a very nice rendition, Marty!

Yes, I did change form and tense in a couple of places to fit my rhyming scheme--for instance, "tonight" instead of "soon" (Bald). As for using the imperative, my original rendition of the second verse was

"In our hearts it is warm,
Stilled are sorrow and harm,
Worries [burdens] of life fade away,
Soon it will be Christmas day"

...but decided not to use it because that last line sounds a bit cliched.

Another thing I puzzled over a bit is the line, "Rejoice! The Christ-child is coming soon." This would tend to have slightly different implications to Germans and Americans due to the difference in our holiday traditions. I decided to just leave it alone.

 

[Rossi]

Dave, I really think you did a very good job. [can't find the thumbs up icon]. While Marty's translation may be more accurate, I think yours sits better with the music. I wouldn't worry about tenses and individual words too much. We're talking song lyrics; the rhythm and rhyme and feel are just as important as the meaning.

 

[MartyMart]

Ha - I should have looked up the "song" so I had the tune and "meter" of it  !!
I do write music and lyrics as part of my "day job"
Don't think I did too bad "blind" though for a "school boy German" speaker 

Fun, stuff

Marty.

 

[PRR]

> The Christ-child is coming soon{/tonight}." This would tend to have slightly different implications to Germans and Americans

You may think it is for family on Christmas Eve.

'Round here, we have Final Exams 15th-23rd, so we have to work five "Winter Concerts" into the first two weekends of December. "Child tonight"... the 8th of December? Premie! "Child soon" makes more sense when semester scheduling (and the politics of an a-religious university) forces you to sing closer to Thanksgiving than Christmas. Over at Bethlehem U., which is unabashedly Christian, I think they do hold a shindig on the 24th, and they can sing "tonight". 

It is good to have both versions available. "My" choirs can sing "soon", meaning "in three weeks". You can gather the kin and kinder on the 24th, dress a tree, and sing "tonight".

My cynic says the Child was more likely born some time in spring. If you have shifted the celebration to the Solstice, "soon" would be more correct. I doubt Jesus minds; the celebration is more important than the date.