Revocation of Independence

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nickt

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 31, 2008
Messages
160
Location
Sydney, Australia
Some folks have got way too serious (including me) - so let's start a war, they're fun! :razz:

BTW I should have registered as ElizabethWindsor first (but Keef would have banned me) :twisted:

Received the below from an Iranian friend who just got US citizenship.

Enjoy (but don't get serious!)




To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Alaska , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
 
I've seen this before but they removed one of my favorites from the old version. It was the one where they insists Americans start pronouncing "Aluminum' correctly. Al-U-min-E-um.

Mike
 
[quote author="Echo North"]I've seen this before but they removed one of my favorites from the old version. It was the one where they insists Americans start pronouncing "Aluminum' correctly. Al-U-min-E-um.

Mike[/quote]

Guess in this forum it should also include "sol-der" for "sod-er" :grin:
Soddery used to be a crime! (or was that something else? :roll: )
 
Yes, this is a very weak version.

The original (which I first saw within a few days of the original Florida election fiasco of 2000) also had a tea description denouncing lukewarm or iced tea, and included a mandatory salt addition within the commonwealth of Massachusetts.

-It was overall rather better I think, but thanks for the grin none the less!

Keith
 
I have a printed copy of that from a few months ago, I almost pissed myself
with laughter when I first read through it ! :green:

Marty - drinking a cold bottle of Grolsch, which is almost 5% alcohol !

Hey Keef, where's my push button switches dude ?? :wink:
 
A revocation of independence from a country who has been lacksadaisical about their constitution.

:guinness:
 
Somebody also needs to tell them that cheese is not a warm orange paste that is served by being pumped from a nozzle.
 
Not gonna happen, for the same reason her predecessor George let the matter drop: the 13 colonies (not to mention their westward extensions) are just too darn hard to govern. Who needs that headache?

George was in a bind. On the one hand, the idea that subjects could fire their God-appointed King is a bad precedent; OTOH he knew self-governance is its own punishment.

He was right. You notice that neither Canada nor Australia threw-off their yokes. Canadians have too much sense; Aussies are crazy but not THAT crazy. They got independence mostly because England got more and more self Governance, less time to busy-body her far-flung colonials.
 
[quote author="PRR"]Aussies are crazy but not THAT crazy.[/quote]

Haha - you sure?

Recall that Australia is the only place ever to vote AGAINST fair elections! :shock:

Hmm... perhaps that proves your point about self governance... nevermind... :roll:
 
[quote author="PRR"] Aussies are crazy but not THAT crazy.[/quote]


Wrong !
I knew an Aussie, who in exchange for a round of drinks, swollowed a small
but well "stuffed" bowl that contained a LOT of chillies in chilli oil !!
( I tasted a tiny blob and it was VERY VERY hot )

After completing the task he said ( with aussie accent & bright red face )

"No worries mate - it didn't hurt a bit"

Even if it didn't hurt on the way in ( liar ) is sure as hell must have hurt on the way
out !!!

"FIRE ..... da da da ..... I'll take you to burn ,,,, da da daaaah da da"
 
[quote author="MartyMart"]Hey Keef, where's my push button switches dude ?? :wink:[/quote]

Marty,

Email me... my head has holes in it at the moment! -I owe you and JoeElectro some stuff...

Keith
 
[quote author="nickt"]Some folks have got way too serious (including me) - so let's start a war, they're fun! :razz:

BTW I should have registered as ElizabethWindsor first (but Keef would have banned me) :twisted:

Received the below from an Iranian friend who just got US citizenship.

Enjoy (but don't get serious!)




To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Alaska , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen![/quote]

Hey I dont mind the new rules as long as you all dont change our dental hygene standards, is there any truth to the common stereotype of all Brits having rotten teeth? :green:
 
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