andyfromdenver
Well-known member
*Do Not Post Hurtful Opinion!*
Judgement-free zone of support and advice.
If this topic is irrelevant to your life, please don't post.
As of 4 months ago I decided to leave my wife of 15 years. It is something I have been wanting for a long time, but couldn't muster the gumption to initiate.
Let me tell you that even though I was the "leave-er" it has been one of the hardest changes I have yet to endure in my life.
After we sold our house of 11 years, and split the amazing proceeds from a hot neighborhood, I realized it was now or never.
We never had children, and I was always hesitant to leave her because I knew she would take it beyond hard (and boy was I right).
What has worked for me:
1. See a counselor individually. I see a Dr. (once a week in the beginning) every two weeks. This is critical because you need to know something: IT'S OK THAT YOU LEFT A BAD MARRIAGE, YOU ARE NOT AN A$$HOLE.
-> everyone is entitled to their happiness and there are no awards for staying in a bad marriage. People might say you are mid-life-ing, and that's fine, but your Dr. will not tell you this. It is absolutely normal and healthy at any age to stop what is happening in your life and seek a new path.
2. If you don't want to take an anti-depressant. MUTHER-F!#G get obsessed with healthy habits. which leads to.
3. Exercise SEVEN days a week. This has changed my life and pulled me through. Listen to the benefits of this: I started going to the YMCA 7 days a week about 80 days ago, and have missed less than 10 days. I have lost 18 pounds and look, frankly, hot!
I am in the best shape of my life and went from 197 to 179, I almost have a six pack which I have never never dreamed I could have before. After a hard workout, you are high for at least 5 hours. You feel good and can focus on what's important. In the beginning when I was deeply depressed, I considered going to the gym twice a day, because I would lose the high and sink into depression.
When you finally emerge from your separation and divorce you will enter the single life with a new body.
4. Do not engage in destructive habits. Especially if you are 35+, it has been time to quit drinking and smoking for a while hasn't it?
I have never done either (drink on rare occassion due to gout) so, easy for me to say right? But seriously, drinking will cloud things and lead to you doing regrettable and possibly detrimental actions. Do not engage in fights with your ex. DO NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR EX. I know you're horny and want a hook-up, but don't. A key part of a divorce is "last time you had sex with her/him". Could she be pregnant? This will greatly complicate your divorce.
5. If you have a simple uncontested w/ no children divorce, you can go to your court house and request the documents or speak to the clerk about how to file on your own and save money.
-> second best is to have a single lawyer file everything which will cost about $1000 US. I was forced to go this route due to the complexity of chopping my retirement 403b in half to split. There is a form called a QDRO (pronounced quadro) which can be done on your own, but you will need serious hand-holding by the plan-managers.
6. Newly single: I live in a college town and play in bands, so I have a lot of friends. At first I thought I was too old and I might need to move to a city, but don't count out wherever you are living at present. You need to fix yourself first, then project confidence and positivity and I swear that someone will find you. You might need a little "charge" to see that you can have a life and some attraction, if you are of the age, maybe get on Tinder. I did it just to see if some ladies thought I was cute still, and guess what! I did get several matches. Had a few conversations, that didn't lead to sex, but I am old-fashioned and didn't want that anyway. Just wanted to see where I rate.
-> Play to your strengths! You're a bald dude? Own it. Bald guys can be sexy, get a sexy hat or make that s#it look good.
Join a book club if you are super literary, try something new, go out to shows.
I have been blessed with too much hair. I got a fancy Beatles haircut and with my weight loss, and fake glasses, I have gotten a ton of compliments. Being an older guy who looks young is kind of like being a vampire in a way, cause you are wise. Embrace younger people! Don't be a snob, and try to learn something. You may be a major bad-a$$ but help someone younger out, they will appreciate it and you will learn something or have new cool friends in return.
7. Eat healthy food. Fresh fruits and veggies and tons of water. You have a chance to totally reinvent your life. We only live once people. Be what you want to be, don't wait. Also, you need to cut waaay back on sugar, you won't lose a bunch of weight if you are eating a bunch of crap. Diet and exercise.
8. I don't know what else, but I have found that some friends are mad at me, some support me, some give awesome advice that my Dr. can't cause he doesn't know me as well, some give neutral or bad advice. You are going to learn a lot about your mutual friends and how they feel about you. Your couple's friends may not want to hang a lot cause maybe they see your divorce as shaking their own foundation in a way. It is also very interesting to hang with married couples and listen to them bicker now. I am like," oh, I remember that..."
I will try and answer any questions you may have, and I wish you the best.
Just don't be an a$$hole and you will get through this. Be a benevolent, self-actualized, saint. Trust me, it's the best path.
Sincerely,
Andy
Judgement-free zone of support and advice.
If this topic is irrelevant to your life, please don't post.
As of 4 months ago I decided to leave my wife of 15 years. It is something I have been wanting for a long time, but couldn't muster the gumption to initiate.
Let me tell you that even though I was the "leave-er" it has been one of the hardest changes I have yet to endure in my life.
After we sold our house of 11 years, and split the amazing proceeds from a hot neighborhood, I realized it was now or never.
We never had children, and I was always hesitant to leave her because I knew she would take it beyond hard (and boy was I right).
What has worked for me:
1. See a counselor individually. I see a Dr. (once a week in the beginning) every two weeks. This is critical because you need to know something: IT'S OK THAT YOU LEFT A BAD MARRIAGE, YOU ARE NOT AN A$$HOLE.
-> everyone is entitled to their happiness and there are no awards for staying in a bad marriage. People might say you are mid-life-ing, and that's fine, but your Dr. will not tell you this. It is absolutely normal and healthy at any age to stop what is happening in your life and seek a new path.
2. If you don't want to take an anti-depressant. MUTHER-F!#G get obsessed with healthy habits. which leads to.
3. Exercise SEVEN days a week. This has changed my life and pulled me through. Listen to the benefits of this: I started going to the YMCA 7 days a week about 80 days ago, and have missed less than 10 days. I have lost 18 pounds and look, frankly, hot!
I am in the best shape of my life and went from 197 to 179, I almost have a six pack which I have never never dreamed I could have before. After a hard workout, you are high for at least 5 hours. You feel good and can focus on what's important. In the beginning when I was deeply depressed, I considered going to the gym twice a day, because I would lose the high and sink into depression.
When you finally emerge from your separation and divorce you will enter the single life with a new body.
4. Do not engage in destructive habits. Especially if you are 35+, it has been time to quit drinking and smoking for a while hasn't it?
I have never done either (drink on rare occassion due to gout) so, easy for me to say right? But seriously, drinking will cloud things and lead to you doing regrettable and possibly detrimental actions. Do not engage in fights with your ex. DO NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR EX. I know you're horny and want a hook-up, but don't. A key part of a divorce is "last time you had sex with her/him". Could she be pregnant? This will greatly complicate your divorce.
5. If you have a simple uncontested w/ no children divorce, you can go to your court house and request the documents or speak to the clerk about how to file on your own and save money.
-> second best is to have a single lawyer file everything which will cost about $1000 US. I was forced to go this route due to the complexity of chopping my retirement 403b in half to split. There is a form called a QDRO (pronounced quadro) which can be done on your own, but you will need serious hand-holding by the plan-managers.
6. Newly single: I live in a college town and play in bands, so I have a lot of friends. At first I thought I was too old and I might need to move to a city, but don't count out wherever you are living at present. You need to fix yourself first, then project confidence and positivity and I swear that someone will find you. You might need a little "charge" to see that you can have a life and some attraction, if you are of the age, maybe get on Tinder. I did it just to see if some ladies thought I was cute still, and guess what! I did get several matches. Had a few conversations, that didn't lead to sex, but I am old-fashioned and didn't want that anyway. Just wanted to see where I rate.
-> Play to your strengths! You're a bald dude? Own it. Bald guys can be sexy, get a sexy hat or make that s#it look good.
Join a book club if you are super literary, try something new, go out to shows.
I have been blessed with too much hair. I got a fancy Beatles haircut and with my weight loss, and fake glasses, I have gotten a ton of compliments. Being an older guy who looks young is kind of like being a vampire in a way, cause you are wise. Embrace younger people! Don't be a snob, and try to learn something. You may be a major bad-a$$ but help someone younger out, they will appreciate it and you will learn something or have new cool friends in return.
7. Eat healthy food. Fresh fruits and veggies and tons of water. You have a chance to totally reinvent your life. We only live once people. Be what you want to be, don't wait. Also, you need to cut waaay back on sugar, you won't lose a bunch of weight if you are eating a bunch of crap. Diet and exercise.
8. I don't know what else, but I have found that some friends are mad at me, some support me, some give awesome advice that my Dr. can't cause he doesn't know me as well, some give neutral or bad advice. You are going to learn a lot about your mutual friends and how they feel about you. Your couple's friends may not want to hang a lot cause maybe they see your divorce as shaking their own foundation in a way. It is also very interesting to hang with married couples and listen to them bicker now. I am like," oh, I remember that..."
I will try and answer any questions you may have, and I wish you the best.
Just don't be an a$$hole and you will get through this. Be a benevolent, self-actualized, saint. Trust me, it's the best path.
Sincerely,
Andy
haven't fallen off the wagon yet, still no 6pack abs yet either!! lol.
