Newly Separated/Divorced Support Council of International Bad-A$$3$

Help Support GroupDIY:

andyfromdenver

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Joined
Nov 13, 2012
Messages
359
Location
Athens, GA
*Do Not Post Hurtful Opinion!*
Judgement-free zone of support and advice.
If this topic is irrelevant to your life, please don't post.

As of 4 months ago I decided to leave my wife of 15 years. It is something I have been wanting for a long time, but couldn't muster the gumption to initiate.
Let me tell you that even though I was the "leave-er" it has been one of the hardest changes I have yet to endure in my life.
After we sold our house of 11 years, and split the amazing proceeds from a hot neighborhood, I realized it was now or never.
We never had children, and I was always hesitant to leave her because I knew she would take it beyond hard (and boy was I right).

What has worked for me:
1.  See a counselor individually.  I see a Dr. (once a week in the beginning) every two weeks. This is critical because you need to know something: IT'S OK THAT YOU LEFT A BAD MARRIAGE, YOU ARE NOT AN A$$HOLE.
-> everyone is entitled to their happiness and there are no awards for staying in a bad marriage. People might say you are mid-life-ing, and that's fine, but your Dr. will not tell you this.  It is absolutely normal and healthy at any age to stop what is happening in your life and seek a new path.

2.  If you don't want to take an anti-depressant.  MUTHER-F!#G get obsessed with healthy habits. which leads to.

3.  Exercise SEVEN days a week.  This has changed my life and pulled me through.  Listen to the benefits of this: I started going to the YMCA 7 days a week about 80 days ago, and have missed less than 10 days.  I have lost 18 pounds and look, frankly, hot!
I am in the best shape of my life and went from 197 to 179, I almost have a six pack which I have never never dreamed I could have before.  After a hard workout, you are high for at least 5 hours. You feel good and can focus on what's important.  In the beginning when I was deeply depressed, I considered going to the gym twice a day, because I would lose the high and sink into depression.
When you finally emerge from your separation and divorce you will enter the single life with a new body.

4. Do not engage in destructive habits.  Especially if you are 35+, it has been time to quit drinking and smoking for a while hasn't it?
I have never done either (drink on rare occassion due to gout) so, easy for me to say right?  But seriously, drinking will cloud things and lead to you doing regrettable and possibly detrimental actions.  Do not engage in fights with your ex. DO NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR EX. I know you're horny and want a hook-up, but don't. A key part of a divorce is "last time you had sex with her/him".  Could she be pregnant? This will greatly complicate your divorce.

5. If you have a simple uncontested w/ no children divorce, you can go to your court house and request the documents or speak to the clerk about how to file on your own and save money. 
-> second best is to have a single lawyer file everything which will cost about $1000 US. I was forced to go this route due to the complexity of chopping my retirement 403b in half to split.  There is a form called a QDRO (pronounced quadro) which can be done on your own, but you will need serious hand-holding by the plan-managers.

6. Newly single:  I live in a college town and play in bands, so I have a lot of friends. At first I thought I was too old and I might need to move to a city, but don't count out wherever you are living at present. You need to fix yourself first, then project confidence and positivity and I swear that someone will find you.  You might need a little "charge" to see that you can have a life and some attraction, if you are of the age, maybe get on Tinder.  I did it just to see if some ladies thought I was cute still, and guess what! I did get several matches. Had a few conversations, that didn't lead to sex, but I am old-fashioned and didn't want that anyway.  Just wanted to see where I rate. 
-> Play to your strengths! You're a bald dude? Own it.  Bald guys can be sexy, get a sexy hat or make that s#it look good.
Join a book club if you are super literary, try something new, go out to shows. 
I have been blessed with too much hair.  I got a fancy Beatles haircut and with my weight loss, and fake glasses, I have gotten a ton of compliments.  Being an older guy who looks young is kind of like being a vampire in a way, cause you are wise.  Embrace younger people!  Don't be a snob, and try to learn something. You may be a major bad-a$$ but help someone younger out, they will appreciate it and you will learn something or have new cool friends in return.

7. Eat healthy food. Fresh fruits and veggies and tons of water. You have a chance to totally reinvent your life.  We only live once people. Be what you want to be, don't wait. Also, you need to cut waaay back on sugar, you won't lose a bunch of weight if you are eating a bunch of crap.  Diet and exercise.

8. I don't know what else, but I have found that some friends are mad at me, some support me, some give awesome advice that my Dr. can't cause he doesn't know me as well, some give neutral or bad advice.  You are going to learn a lot about your mutual friends and how they feel about you.  Your couple's friends may not want to hang a lot cause maybe they see your divorce as shaking their own foundation in a way.  It is also very interesting to hang with married couples and listen to them bicker now.  I am like," oh, I remember that..."

I will try and answer any questions you may have, and I wish you the best. 
Just don't be an a$$hole and you will get through this.  Be a benevolent, self-actualized, saint. Trust me, it's the best path.

Sincerely,
Andy
 

shabtek

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Joined
Jun 8, 2005
Messages
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Location
midwest usa
Good on you!

I find your posts slightly surreal/humorous RE: this thread vs. "help with human (keys) replacement"

Always wonder what life would be like with balls...






edit: --I wonder...-- but the phrase is More contemplative minus the pronoun.
 

okgb

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Joined
Oct 18, 2004
Messages
5,818
Location
Winnipeg Mb Canada
Did you include regular exercise ?  It really is a cure all to many problems & mood issues
30 min a day something more aerobic is better but anything helps!
 

DaveP

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Joined
Nov 8, 2005
Messages
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Location
France
With no kids to worry about it is so much simpler, it sounds like you did the right thing, I wish you good luck and a happier life.

When you are in a bad marriage your life is on hold, your ex will probably be happier too, when she gets over it.

Thanks for posting

DaveP
 

andyfromdenver

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Joined
Nov 13, 2012
Messages
359
Location
Athens, GA
Hi fellas!  Thank you so much for the nice posts!  I don’t go to any other websites or forums now so I kinda wanted to put this out here.

Haven’t finalized the big D yet, but I am SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW!

Just got back from a much needed vacation to see family and....a new “friend” in my city-of-name.

best wishes to you sweet folks ;-)

love,
andy

p.s. shabtek: just finished the head of my robot for the band  ;D. just need to complete the timer relay circuit for the arms and start rehearsals.
 

andyfromdenver

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 13, 2012
Messages
359
Location
Athens, GA
rob_gould said:
Sad news, but sounds like the right choice.  Hope things pan out for you Andy.

Thank you so much for the well-wishes!  I really appreciate it!  For some reason the lawyer document-drafting is taking foreeeever, and I don't know how pushy I should be (and by "pushy" I mean even enquiring, nicely, at all).

Still happy! still at the gym!  ;D ;D :p haven't fallen off the wagon yet, still no 6pack abs yet either!! lol.
 

mjrippe

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Dec 27, 2011
Messages
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Location
Brooklyn, NY
andyfromdenver said:
Thank you so much for the well-wishes!  I really appreciate it!  For some reason the lawyer document-drafting is taking foreeeever, and I don't know how pushy I should be (and by "pushy" I mean even enquiring, nicely, at all).

Still happy! still at the gym!  ;D ;D :p haven't fallen off the wagon yet, still no 6pack abs yet either!! lol.

If you are paying for it, be pushy.

Here in NY I was able to create a settlement agreement and file for an uncontested divorce (no kids, no property, no big $).  There is a web site that walks you through most of it and creates the documents.  Several trips to the county clerk and lots of notarized papers, but it was done in about 7 months.
 

andyfromdenver

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 13, 2012
Messages
359
Location
Athens, GA
mjrippe said:
If you are paying for it, be pushy.

Here in NY I was able to create a settlement agreement and file for an uncontested divorce (no kids, no property, no big $).  There is a web site that walks you through most of it and creates the documents.  Several trips to the county clerk and lots of notarized papers, but it was done in about 7 months.

Hello! Thanks for the post. wow 7 months. I see the lawyer is in no rush. I did send a friendly message on the portal for a status inquiry. We were sooo close to sorting it out ourselves.
The sucky thing is the longer it takes, the longer it is until I start actually doing the agreed upon payments. But until the divorce I am still paying her rent as part of my initial separation offering.
In my mind we are done and my money should be part of the transition payments we agreed upon, but not in hers, which i accept.

One other annoyance is that I am ready to buy a house again, but that is on hold too. I may miss the dream bach-pad.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story, and I hope you are well!!

Andy
 

Whoops

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May 9, 2008
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Location
Portugal
I'm Happy for you,
Whish you all the best for the present and future.

Thanks for sharing your experience and for the good advice
 
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