Best Doctor joke ...

[MartyMart]

A few Doctors were talking about transplants at a convention :


An Israeli doctor says, 'medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, 'that is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, and put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.

A Russian doctor says, 'in my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks.

The TEXAS doctor, not to be outdone says, 'You guys are way behind, we
recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the
White House
for eight years, and now half of AMERICA is looking for work.



:green:

 

[bitman]

:grin:

 

[zebra50]

Patient: Doctor Doctor... sometimes I think I'm a teepee, sometimes a wigwam.

Doctor: You know your problem? You're two tents!

 

[therecordingart]

That's a good one!

 

[MartyMart]

Guy goes to see the Doc with a "gas" problem ( fart fart )

Walks into his office ( fart FART )
"Doc I have a bit of a problem" ( fart FART FART FART )

Doc ; "Yes I can tell that, just hold on a minute ..... "

Doc comes back with an enormous pole with a metal hook on the end.

Patient ; "Hey Doc you're not going to stick that up my Bum are you ?"
( fart FART FART FART fart )




Doc, "heck no I'm just going to open a few windows" !!!!

MM.

 

[zebra50]

Patient 1: I have a red ring around my manhood.

Doctor: Apply this lotion twice a day and it'll go away.

Patient is delighted with cure and recommends the doctor to a colleague with a similar afflication....

Patient 2: I have a yellow ring around my manhood:
Doctor: Sorry, but there's nothing I can do.
Patient 2: But you cured my friend?





Doc: I can cure lipstick, but not gangrene...

(apologies)

 

[SSLtech]

Eye doctor joke...




Fellow goes to the eye-doctor.

The eye doctor comes out and says;

"I don't really know how to say this delicately... but you're going to have to stop masturbating."

"Why?" says the patient, "-Is it making me go blind?"

"Well, no.." says the doctor,

"...-but it's really annoying the people in the waiting room!!!"

:twisted:

Keef

 

[bcarso]

This is sort of a doctor joke, at least at the end:

Man #1 goes into a restroom, up to one of the urinals. Man #2 comes in, and goes to the adjacent urinal. He is holding both arms up in the air for some reason.

Man #2: Buddy?

Man #1: Yes? (beginning to get uncomfortable...)

Man #2: Could you help me out and unzip my pants?

Man #1 (now acutely uncomfortable) What?? No!

Man #2: No, really man. It's not a sex thing or anything but I have to pee and I can't do it myself. Please?

Man #1 glances nervously at the door and decides o.k. he will comply, with appreciable and evident disgust, and unzips the man's fly.

Man #2: Thanks a lot! Now, could you please reach in and errr take it out?

Man #1: Good God man! What? How do you expect me to do that??

Man #2: Listen believe me I understand---I'd feel the same way. But I can't do it myself and I really have to go badly!

Man #1 executes another nervous glance around and decides Oh what the hell, and quickly reaches in and pulls out the man's penis. He shrinks back in horror: it is horribly disfigured with sores and scabs and oozing pus....

"J*&%^$%ss!! Have you seen a doctor about this??!!!


Man #2: Yes! I did! And he said "If I were you, I wouldn't touch that!"

 

[zebra50]

nice one!

There's a joke about nasal sex, but you have to do the silly voices.

 

[clintrubber]

This one is from Kamagurka, from the country south of the Netherlands:


patient: "Help help, doctor, I can't swim !"

doctor: "Please relax! Don't you worry, at the end of the street is a swimming pool!"


:shock:

 

[AnalogPackrat]

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A beautiful young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

Struggling, he again asks the nurse, "Are my testicles black?" Finally, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand, holds his testicles in the other, takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice, but, are my test results back."

 

[jackies]

Alright I love jokes!
Though I'm foreign, and if you think a joke is not funny it just means it didn't translate well...

#1
So this guy comes to a doctor: Doctor, my penis turned ORANGE!
Doctor is like: Oh really? Let's see! ...Uhm, its indeed orange... So like, what do you do?
The guy says: Not much really doctor, eating chips, watching porn...


#2
This other guy comes to a doctor and says: Doctor HELP! My ass hurts like crazy!!!
Doctor takes a look at it and says: Well, nothing to worry about, you got hemorrhoids, it's pretty common, lemme prescribe you some suppositories and come back in a week, alright?
So the guy comes back in a week and says: Doctor, I ate a whole pack of that stuff, doesn't seem to help at all...
Doctor is like: (LOL) YOU EATING THEM??? (LOL)
The guy: WHAT YOU THINK I'M STICKING THEM UP MY ASS????

 

[pstamler]

What is the difference between an internist, a surgeon and a pathologist?

An internist knows everything and does nothing.

A surgeon knows nothing and does everything.

A pathologist knows everything and does everything, but too late.

Peace,
Paul