know any jokes?

[pucho812]

Oh the irony. Saving the planet from plastic by wrapping a paper straw in plastic.

 

[pucho812]

Two guitar players are talking to each other.
One asks the other one “why do you have a 150 guitars?”
The other says “because the wife made me sell two of them.”

 

[ruffrecords]

Not a joke per se but I thought it was funny:



Cheers

Ian

 

[fazer]

Want know how to get a rock guitar player to turn down? Put a chart in front of them.

 

[ruffrecords]

I love the cheap date gene.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

My girlfriend told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic. I told her, "I think you mean fewer."

 

[pucho812]

Why do people named Thomas short it to Tom and not ass?

 

[pucho812]

Four married guys went fishing together. After an hour, this conversation took place:

First guy: “You wouldn’t believe what I had to do to come fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I’d paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second guy: “That’s nothing. I had to promise my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third guy: “You both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I’d remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to fish and realize the fourth guy hasn’t said a word. So they ask him, “You haven’t mentioned what you had to do to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut it off, nudged my wife, and said, ‘Fishing or sex?’ She said, ‘Wear sunscreen.’”

 

[pucho812]

A shark swims faster than me, but I probably run faster than the shark. So in a triathlon, it all depends on who is the better cyclist.

 

[pucho812]

A joke for the Florida folks

My friend Sarah left her bottle of Pepsi at a rest stop about 60 miles south of Tampa. That’s where Sarah's soda is.

 

[pucho812]

The hooters restaurant chain may be filing for bankruptcy.
Their business has been sagging lately. We will be kept abreast of the situation.

 

[pucho812]

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would come in fourth place just so I don’t have to walk up to the podium.

 

[JohnRoberts]

The hooters restaurant chain may be filing for bankruptcy.
Their business has been sagging lately. We will be kept abreast of the situation.

So hooters is going "tits up"****?

JR

***** the entomology of the phrase "tits up" refers to drowned bodies floating in the ocean. Females tend to float face up due to the location of their natural flotation reservoirs.

 

[pucho812]

So hooters is going "tits up"****?

JR

***** the entomology of the phrase "tits up" refers to drowned bodies floating in the ocean. Females tend to float face up due to the location of their natural flotation reservoirs.

If it were ihop I would say they didn’t have a leg to stand on.

 

[pucho812]

Why is it name is James and not jame when there is only one of them?

 

[ruffrecords]

If it were ihop I would say they didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Reminds me of the one about the blind, one legged man with no arms waiting at a bus stop. When the bus arrives, the condcuctor says "Aye, Aye, you look 'armless, hop on"

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

My lawyer proved that at a speed of 140mph the 40mph sign is impossible to read .

 

[pucho812]

A man who used a hearing aid went to the doctor one day complaining that out of nowhere his hearing aid no longer works and he can't hear out of his left hear.

His doctor does an exam and discovers the problem.

He tells his patient that I he found the problem, that he had a suppository in his hear.

The patient responds well now I know where my hearing aid went.

 

[Rob Flinn]

I've started a business building boats in my attic. Sails are going through the roof !

 

[pucho812]

I don’t want to brag, but I am on hold and my call is very important to them