pucho812
Well-known member
Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said " I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal." It was at that moment I realized how many proctologist are driving in Los Angeles.
know any jokes?
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Winston OBoogie
Well-known member
I watched a documentary on cannabis last night, it was awesome!
I'm gonna start watching everything that way.
pucho812
Well-known member
Phrazemaster
Well-known member
TICKETS PLEASE!
A group of engineers and lawyers were to attend a conference, and had to take a train to get there. When they got to the station, the lawyers bought their tickets, but the engineers only bought one ticket amongst them.
The lawyers asked, "how are you all going to ride the train with only one ticket?"
The engineers said, "Watch, you'll see."
So everyone got on board, and immediately the engineers all crammed into the WC. When the conductor came 'round, he banged on the WC door and yelled "TICKETS PLEASE!"
One engineer stuck his hand out with the one ticket, and they proceeded to the conference.
Not to be outdone in the fun, the lawyers decided to pull the same trick for the return journey, so they bought just one ticket amongst them. But the engineers didn't buy any tickets at all!
The lawyers asked them, "How are you gonna ride the train without ANY tickets?"
The engineers said, "Watch, you'll see!"
So they all boarded the train, then the lawyers all crammed into one WC, and the engineers all crammed into another. Just after the train got going, one of the engineers snuck out and banged on the lawyer's WC door and yelled, 'TICKETS PLEASE!"
A group of engineers and lawyers were to attend a conference, and had to take a train to get there. When they got to the station, the lawyers bought their tickets, but the engineers only bought one ticket amongst them.
The lawyers asked, "how are you all going to ride the train with only one ticket?"
The engineers said, "Watch, you'll see."
So everyone got on board, and immediately the engineers all crammed into the WC. When the conductor came 'round, he banged on the WC door and yelled "TICKETS PLEASE!"
One engineer stuck his hand out with the one ticket, and they proceeded to the conference.
Not to be outdone in the fun, the lawyers decided to pull the same trick for the return journey, so they bought just one ticket amongst them. But the engineers didn't buy any tickets at all!
The lawyers asked them, "How are you gonna ride the train without ANY tickets?"
The engineers said, "Watch, you'll see!"
So they all boarded the train, then the lawyers all crammed into one WC, and the engineers all crammed into another. Just after the train got going, one of the engineers snuck out and banged on the lawyer's WC door and yelled, 'TICKETS PLEASE!"
Phrazemaster
Well-known member
A pirate walked into a bar with a huge steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants.
The bartender said, "Excuse me Mr. Pirate, but do you realize you have a huge steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"
The pirate said, "AAAR! And it's drivin' me nuts!!"
The bartender said, "Excuse me Mr. Pirate, but do you realize you have a huge steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"
The pirate said, "AAAR! And it's drivin' me nuts!!"
A cowboy is sipping on a cold beer in an old west saloon. His beer, and money is almost gone so he bets the barkeep a beer that he can make the horse tied up outside laugh and then cry. The barkeep says you're on.
The cowboy walks outside and whispers in the horse's ear, the horse starts laughing. Then the cowboy turns with his back to the saloon and makes the horse cry.
He strides back inside to collect his free beer. The barkeep asks him how he did it. Easy the cowboy replied. First I told the horse that mine was longer than his, and the horse started laughing. Then I showed him mine.
The cowboy walks outside and whispers in the horse's ear, the horse starts laughing. Then the cowboy turns with his back to the saloon and makes the horse cry.
He strides back inside to collect his free beer. The barkeep asks him how he did it. Easy the cowboy replied. First I told the horse that mine was longer than his, and the horse started laughing. Then I showed him mine.
Phrazemaster
Well-known member
SMART DOG!
A wiener dog gets lost on safari and finds himself alone in the jungle. He sees a leopard creeping up on him and thinks, “I'm boned" but then he gets an idea. He goes over to a pile of bones on the ground and starts to gnaw on them. Just as the leopard is about to leap, he says in a loud voice, “Mmm, that leopard was delicious! But I'm still hungry. I hope another one comes a long soon!” The leopard hears this and runs away in terror.
However, a monkey has witnessed this entire chain of events, and races off after the leopard. In return for a promise to no longer hunt him, he tells the leopard the whole story. The leopard is furious. “I'll teach that wiener dog to mess with me! Hop on my back and I'll give you a ride back.”
So the wiener dog sees the leopard off in the distance with the monkey riding on its back. “Now I'm really boned,” he says, but then he has another brainstorm. He again pretends not to see the approaching leopard, but just before it leaps on him, he says, “I wonder what happened to that monkey. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!” “
A wiener dog gets lost on safari and finds himself alone in the jungle. He sees a leopard creeping up on him and thinks, “I'm boned" but then he gets an idea. He goes over to a pile of bones on the ground and starts to gnaw on them. Just as the leopard is about to leap, he says in a loud voice, “Mmm, that leopard was delicious! But I'm still hungry. I hope another one comes a long soon!” The leopard hears this and runs away in terror.
However, a monkey has witnessed this entire chain of events, and races off after the leopard. In return for a promise to no longer hunt him, he tells the leopard the whole story. The leopard is furious. “I'll teach that wiener dog to mess with me! Hop on my back and I'll give you a ride back.”
So the wiener dog sees the leopard off in the distance with the monkey riding on its back. “Now I'm really boned,” he says, but then he has another brainstorm. He again pretends not to see the approaching leopard, but just before it leaps on him, he says, “I wonder what happened to that monkey. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!” “
pucho812
Well-known member
The IRS decided to audit my Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when my Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
My Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
My Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
My Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
My Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
My Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
My Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
ruffrecords
Well-known member
I love it when the tax man gets the P taken out of him.
Cheers
Ian
Cheers
Ian
The old jokes are the best
[edit- while not exactly a joke, it's a little funny... My step-father (RIP) after retirement worked for years as a tax accountant for individuals and small businesses. When he was living in the smoky mountains of NC he shared a story of a local farmer who got audited. That farmer's neighbors shared a pile of cash receipts for their last year's farm supplies purchases. The audited farmer ended up getting money back from the IRS thanks to all the neighborly deductions.
Caveat Lector, I do not advocate cheating on your taxes. /edit]
JR
[edit- while not exactly a joke, it's a little funny... My step-father (RIP) after retirement worked for years as a tax accountant for individuals and small businesses. When he was living in the smoky mountains of NC he shared a story of a local farmer who got audited. That farmer's neighbors shared a pile of cash receipts for their last year's farm supplies purchases. The audited farmer ended up getting money back from the IRS thanks to all the neighborly deductions.
Caveat Lector, I do not advocate cheating on your taxes. /edit]
JR
Last edited:
pucho812
Well-known member
That triggers a whole category of musician jokes that some here might find offensive. There were a special sub-genre of drummer jokes that I didn't repeat for obvious reasons (some of my best customers were drummers).
Q: What did the (insert musician of choice) get on his IQ test?
A: Drool...
JR
pucho812
Well-known member
This has been my fave music joke as of late.
As told by Bob new heart
“I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.”
As told by Bob new heart
“I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.”
pucho812
Well-known member
And that triggers the "potato joke" about the tourist going to the beach for his first time. A local told him to impress the girls, slip a potato down into his swim trunks. Later that day he came back and told the local that it didn't work, the girls all ran away. Then the local told him the potato was supposed to be in the front.
JR
JR
pucho812
Well-known member
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pantsThe bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"Pirate looks at him and says, "Argh it's driving me nuts"
pucho812
Well-known member
General Custer’s wife went to an artist upon hearing the news her husband died at little big horn. She asked the artist if he could paint her husbands last thoughts that went in his head before he died. So a few weeks go by and he contacts her to unveil the painting.
When the painting is unveiled, it’s full of cows with halos and a bunch of Indians having sex.
Custer’s wife is furious about the painting. Refusing to pay, she demands to know what was he thinking.
The artist responds to her saying I followed you instructions, painted his last thoughts which would have been “holy cow, look at all these fucking Indians”
When the painting is unveiled, it’s full of cows with halos and a bunch of Indians having sex.
Custer’s wife is furious about the painting. Refusing to pay, she demands to know what was he thinking.
The artist responds to her saying I followed you instructions, painted his last thoughts which would have been “holy cow, look at all these fucking Indians”
pucho812
Well-known member
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I had a friend like that once... cost me a windshield and side windows.
JR
JR
pucho812
Well-known member
A guy is getting interviewed for a job position when the person conducting the interview asks him about a 4 year gap in his resume. He replies with "that is when I went to Yale". The person conducting the interview is very impressed and goes "sounds wonderful you hired". He responds " thanks I really needed this Yob".
