know any jokes?

[pucho812]

A guy goes in to a shop and orders a polish sausage to eat. The guy behind the counter says "oh you must be polish" The guy who ordered the sausage goes "come on, do you think that just because I ordered a polish sausage I am polish?". He proceeds to get irate and continues saying things like " if a person walks in and orders a Belgian waffle they are from Belgium?" "Hmmmm?, Do you think that if a person comes in and orders French toast, the are French?". "If a guy come in and ordered german potato salad, are you going to assume they are German?". SO he continues on and goes " why on this green earth would you assume that just because I ordered a polish sausage that I am polish." The guy behind the counter goes, "Well First of all, this is a hardware store"

 

[JohnRoberts]

I recall many old ethnic jokes as a kid growing up, that were blatantly insulting to one nationality like that one.

You can try to woke them up but it doesn't always work...

Here's one... "Two scientists are talking about a preposterous space mission to send astronauts to the sun (insert the minority you want to insult there.) The second scientist argues that is impossible they would burn up. The first scientist explains not a problem because they are going to send them up at night. "

JR

 

[pucho812]

As a half bred that’s a 50/50 split and grew up in Texas I have head it all.
I just laugh at it all. Texas has a lot of a&m and longhorn jokes.
like how do you know an Aggie has been to the bathroom? They used both sides of the bog roll. Can easily flip that to be about anyone or any type, just insert as needed.

 

[JohnRoberts]

OK that triggers an old Harvard/Yale joke.... A Harvard student criticizes a Yale student for not washing his hands after using the urinal, his reply was that Yale students don't piss on their hands.
===
Sadly some partisan humor is really funny because it lampoons apparent stereotypes so well, but it still isn't funny to half the voting population being made fun of.

My apologies to any Harvard students here.

Other related punchlines, "hide the livestock too", "do you know how many XYZs it takes to get a pound of brains", etc.

Then there are military jokes, "for sale, used army rifles, never fired dropped once", "XYZ army tanks, one speed forward 4 speeds reverse", etc.

JR

 

[ruffrecords]

The there is that well known oxymoron "Military intelligence"

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

This is the story of Bob.
Bob forgot his Wedding anniversary and didn’t get his wife a thing. His wife was very mad and she demanded that next morning their better be a gift in the driveway. It better go from 0-200 in under 6 seconds.
next morning in the driveway his wife sees a car size box decorated with a big bow. she rushes out to open up the box and found a bathroom scale in the box.
bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[ruffrecords]

As the actress said to the BIshop "I am sorry to have made it hard for you but I hope you won't hold it against me"

Humphrey Littleton made some great ones in a similar vein about Samantha the scorekeeper in the radio programme "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue". I have a couple of old cassettes of that programme so I will see if I can find some. Edit: Just found a Youtube compilation of them all. Enjoy.



Cheers

Ian

 

[Rob Flinn]

A guy goes to a night club. At the door the bouncer informs him that he can't come in because he's not wearing a neck tie. He says to the bouncer "come on man give me a break I don't have a tie". The bouncer replies "No tie, no entry". The guy goes away & has a look through his car. Eventually in the boot (trunk) he finds a set of jump leads which he fashions into a tie. He goes back to the tie & pleads with the bouncer, saying he's done his best, & that was the only thing he could do. The bouncer says "ok, mate, you can come in, but don't start anything !"

 

[Rob Flinn]

not a joke as such but still funny .

 

[Rob Flinn]

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!

I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet. I said, "Yes, I've got a dog." She said, "Would you like to insure him too?" I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

I’ve started writing a book about Hurricanes & Tornadoes,
it’s early days though at the moment it’s just a draught.

Please remember in these difficult times to look out for others.
I have a dwarf friend who is struggling to put food on the table.

I said to my mate: "I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!"
He said: "Did he have a gun?"
I said: "No, but he was well armed”

 

[ruffrecords]

A man starts to grow a pimple on his head. After a few days it grows into a small dwarf. So he goes to the doctor and explains about the pimple growing out of his head. "How did this start", asks the Doctor and the dwarf said "It all started with a pimple on me bum"

Cheers

Ian

 

[groselicain]

A guy goes in to a shop and orders a polish sausage to eat. The guy behind the counter says "oh you must be polish" The guy who ordered the sausage goes "come on, do you think that just because I ordered a polish sausage I am polish?". He proceeds to get irate and continues saying things like " if a person walks in and orders a Belgian waffle they are from Belgium?" "Hmmmm?, Do you think that if a person comes in and orders French toast, the are French?". "If a guy come in and ordered german potato salad, are you going to assume they are German?". SO he continues on and goes " why on this green earth would you assume that just because I ordered a polish sausage that I am polish." The guy behind the counter goes, "Well First of all, this is a hardware store"

Seeing as how I first heard this one through Norm Macdonald—God bless the man—here's my favorite joke of his.

 

[pucho812]

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

 

[crazydoc]

https://www.npr.org/2021/09/27/1040872498/john-hinckley-unconditional-release

June 1, 1984
Dear John:

Nancy and I hope you are making good progress in your recovery from the mental problem that made you try to assassinate me. The staff of St. Elizabeth’s tell me you are doing just fine and will be released soon.
I have decided to seek a second term in office and I hope I can count on your support and the support of your fine parents in my re-election campaign.
I hold no grudge against you, John, and I hope that if there is anything you need there at the hospital, you will let Nancy and I know.

By the way, did you know that both Walter Mondale and Gary Hart have been fucking Jodie Foster?

Sincerely,
Ronald Reagan

 

[pucho812]

Maybe Alien sightings on earth are just billionaires from other planets?

 

[okgb]

Need some Fresh Chuck Norris jokes, anyone?

 

[pucho812]

Need some Fresh Chuck Norris jokes, anyone?

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push up, he does earth downs

 

[Rob Flinn]

I've just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

 

[pucho812]

A teenage boy tells his father, "Dad, there's trouble with the car, it has water in the carburetor." The father looks confused and says, "Water in the carburetor, that's ridiculous!" But the son insists. "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."

His father, starting to get a little nervous, says "You don't even know what a carburetor is.... but I will check it out. Where is the car?"

"In the pool," replies the son.

 

[Rob Flinn]

I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying.