know any jokes?

[pucho812]

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

 

[ruffrecords]

I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying.

Rob, what is the name of that guy who tells the great one liners? He is often on that comedy programme on TV that is chaired by Dara O'Braian.

Cheers

Ian

 

[Rob Flinn]

Rob, what is the name of that guy who tells the great one liners? He is often on that comedy programme on TV that is chaired by Dara O'Braian.

Cheers

Ian

Tim Vine perhaps ?

 

[ruffrecords]

No, not him. I just remembered the programme was Mock the Week, I found a list of panellists at wikiP so I am reading that to see if it jogs the memory.

Cheers

Ian

 

[ruffrecords]

No, not him. I just remembered the programme was Mock the Week, I found a list of panellists at wikiP so I am reading that to see if it jogs the memory.

Cheers

Ian

Got him. It is Milton Jones:

"I was sitting in traffic today .... and I got run over"
"Reading between the lines is dangerous .... if you are at the railway"
"I met my wife on the net. We were both rubbish trapeze artists"
"I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down on the pedal .... turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before."
"My wife's giving me the silent treatment, lying there day after day. Beginning to smell a bit now"
" The pollen count .... that's a difficult job"
"Militant feminists. I take my hat of to them. They don't like that"
"Have you noticed that if you Google 'lost medieval servant boy' is says ' this page cannot be found"
"Nobody turned up to the first meeting of my sarcasm club. Despite so many of them saying how much they were looking forward to it"

Cheers

Ian

 

[Winston OBoogie]

...

 

[pucho812]

The Coroners club is having their first meeting this Saturday at the sportsman lodge. It coincides with open Mike night.

 

[Rob Flinn]

I named my goldfish "Major, Minor, Dorian, Lydian & Diminished". The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.....

 

[pucho812]

Why did Bach have so many children? Because he didn't have any organ stops

 

[pucho812]

If a tree in the forest falls on a mime and there's no one there to hear it does it make a noise?

 

[ruffrecords]

Why is Captain Kirk like a roll of toilet paper? Because they both get Klingons off your arse.

Cheers

Ian

 

[Rob Flinn]

Did you know that Gaffa tape is actually "the force" in Star Wars. This is because it has a light side, a dark side & it holds the universe together.

 

[pucho812]

Why is Captain Kirk like a roll of toilet paper? Because they both get Klingons off your arse.

Cheers

Ian

I've heard that one told like this.
Q:how is the starship enterprise and toilet paper the same?
A:They both circle uranus looking for klingons

 

[Rob Flinn]

I'm thinking of starting my own airline with all the planes camouflaged, but I just can't see it taking off.

I've just checked my house insurance, & apparently if my duvet is stolen during the night I'm not covered...

I went out for a meal last night & had a Pelican burger. It was great until I saw the size of the Bill...

 

[mjrippe]

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have an H2O". The second says "I'll have an H2O too". He died.

 

[pucho812]

“I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, “There goes the neighborhood”

 

[pucho812]

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by discovering your turn signal

 

[pucho812]

There was an American missionary who was sent out to the deepest parts of the congo. About 9 months or so after arriving into the village to do missionary work the daughter of the chief of the tribe had a white baby. The chief was not too happy about this and sent for the missionary. The chief is demanding to know about the white baby. As the missionary is thinking of a way to respond to save him from the chief's large blade, he looks out the window. He proceeds to say" Chief, I don't know how mother nature decides to color her children. Why look out the window here. See all them white goats and that one black goat. I can't explain how..." The chief cuts him off going "o.k. you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you"

 

[pucho812]

Q:Why couldn’t the green pepper practice archery?

A: because it didn’t habanero

 

[pucho812]

Whenever I am around my Spanish speaking Friends, I use the word mucho. It means a lot to them.