know any jokes?

[pucho812]

I asked my girlfriend if I am the only one she has ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens…

 

[JohnRoberts]

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?” "No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies. The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!” The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?” “We do now, *******!” shouts Schrödinger. The cop tries to arrest them. Ohm resists.

JR

 

[ruffrecords]

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?” "No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies. The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!” The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?” “We do now, *******!” shouts Schrödinger. The cop tries to arrest them. Ohm resists.

JR

After binge watching The Big Bang Theory several times, even my wife understood that joke!

Cheers

Ian

 

[Rob Flinn]

The only thing flat earthers fear is sphere itself.

 

[pucho812]

The only thing flat earthers fear is sphere itself.

Earth can’t be flat because if it was, cats would have knocked everything off it by now.

 

[pucho812]

Why is a gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a snatchula?

 

[pucho812]

 

[pucho812]

I once lived a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries

 

[JohnRoberts]

The story is that Einstein was shown a German newspaper that claimed "One hundred German physicists claim Einstein's theory of relativity is wrong." Einstein's reply was supposedly, "If I were wrong, it would only take one."

Not really a joke but funny...

JR

 

[Rob Flinn]

My Boss called me u and asked where I was.

I said "I'm right here but you can't see me. I identify as TRANSparent "

 

[pucho812]

When I said we should have more dykes in California to help prevent fires, I should have been more specific.

 

[pucho812]

My buddy got fired from his new job at the bank.
A bank customer came in and asked him to check her balance, so he pushed her over.

 

[scott2000]

 

[pucho812]

I’m not gonna boast about how attractive I am, but when I take off my clothes, I turn on the shower

 

[CJ]

I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

 

[pucho812]

parachute companies never get bad reviews.

 

[ruffrecords]

parachute companies never get bad reviews.

WARNING: Ethnic? minority joke.

Did you hear about the (inset minority of your choice) parachute? Opens on impact.

Cheers

Ian

 

[Rusan]

I just read where a team of scientists placed a 10-piece set of matching plastic food storage containers with lids in a sealed chamber, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions.

When they opened the chamber one month later, the chamber contained 19 lids that did not match any of the 7 remaining containers.

 

[pucho812]

You can say Beetlejuice three times and he will show up.
You can say Candyman five times and he will show up.
But, you can say FEMA as many times as you like, and they won’t show up

 

[pucho812]

Bob is ill goes to a faith revival tent as he say the preacher before laying his hand on folks and healing them.
He gets in line and there are 2 people in front of him.
First a lady, the preacher asks her what’s wrong and she says my arm hurts. The preacher lays his hand on her arm and proclaims you are healed. Immediately she starts moving her arm with zero pain.

The man is amazing.

Next up is the person directly in front of him. The person tells the preacher that his head hurts. The preacher lays his hand on their head and proclaims you are healed. Sure enough the guy walks away feeling great.

Bob finally gets his turn. The preacher asks what.ma wrong with Bob. He says he is suffering from hemorrhoids. The preacher tells him your own your own.