know any jokes?

[pucho812]

Ruth rode on my cycle car in a seat in back of me. I hit a bump at 95 and rode on the ruthlessly.

 

[cyrano]

I used to love the metric system because of the easy use of dividing by 10. Seemed natural, it was the same number of fingers I had before I became a woodworker.

 

[JohnRoberts]

Women claim that they don't belong in the kitchen working over a hot stove....

BUT they are always complaining about being cold.

JR

 

[Rob Flinn]

I had a leaflet through my door the other day about anger management. Then I lost it.

 

[pucho812]

Tell this to a guitar player

It’s not the notes you play. It’s the notes I play.

 

[pucho812]

The new Tesla can drive itself back to the dealer when it's recalled.

 

[Rob Flinn]

My wife asked me stop singing songs from the Monkees. I thought she was joking, but then I Saw Her Face.

 

[pucho812]

A man is looking at a car to buy and is asking the sales person questions.

Man: Gas tank size?
sales person: 20 gallons

Man: Miles per gallon?
Sales person: about 25 city and 30 on the highway.

Man: cargo space?
Sales person: car no do that. Car no fly.

 

[pucho812]

Got drunk and passed out drunk in the neighbors yard.
When I woke up the next day I was tagged for their yard sale.

 

[pucho812]

 

[Rob Flinn]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer ? Cook it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers !

 

[pucho812]

 

[evil grill]

You know what happened to the couple that confused lube with wallpaper glue?
















Their wallpapers fell down.

 

[ruffrecords]

You know what happened to the couple that confused lube with wallpaper glue?
















Their wallpapers fell down.

And they came to a sticky end.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

Whenever I comfort a grammar nazi
I give them a hug, pat them on the head and say there, their, they’re.

 

[pucho812]

Whats the highest rank in the popcorn army?

Kernel

 

[pucho812]

A doctor puts a sign outside his clinic that reads I’ll cure any disease for 20 dollars and if I can’t cure you I will pay you 100 dollars.

So a man sees the sign and thinks he will get a quick 100 dollars.
He sees the doctor and claims he lost his sense of taste.
The doctor says I have a cure and has the nurse grab the medicine from drawer 33. The man tastes it and spits it out claiming it is petrol. The doctor says see you are cured and gets paid.
The man returns the next day thinking I got one this time. He sees the doctor again claiming he has memory loss. The doctor again asks the nurse to get the medicine from draw 33. The man goes what? You gave me that yesterday. The doctor says see you are cured.
The man leaves in a huff. He decides he has a full proof idea and tries the following day.
He tells the doctor he can’t see. The doctor goes I can’t fix that and hands him a 5 dollar bill. The man gets angry and says hey what are trying to pull here you only gave me 5 dollars. The doctor then says see you are cured now where is my 20 dollars.

 

[pucho812]

An old man visits the doctor and complains that he farts a lot and that the farts do not make a sound or smell. That he must have farted 10 times during the examination.
The doctors goes uh huh. Ok take these pills and come see me in one week.

The man returns complaining that he has no idea what the doctor gave him. That the farts are still prominent but now they really smell.

The doctor goes good, now that your sinuses are clear let’s work on your hearing.