know any jokes?

[pucho812]

Anniversary with the wife and I suggested we go separately to the bar where we had first date. It would be like reliving our very first date.
She liked the idea thinking it was romantic.
We arrived separately and I took my spot at the bar just like the first time.
She approached me and asked “can I buy you a drink handsome?”
I told her “get lost, I am not falling for that again”

 

[Rob Flinn]

She said "it's the guys responsibility to pay at the restaurant, that's why it's called a 'men'u".

I said "nah , we're supposed to split the bill cos it's called a me 'n' u'.

 

[Rob Flinn]

 

[Rob Flinn]

I said to my wife, Im getting you flowers for our Anniversary,
My wife said "Nothing would please her more...
So I got her Nothing.

 

[Rob Flinn]

Scientists got to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk....the results were staggering.

 

[pucho812]

Was out at a bar and met a lady
She wanted to exchange phone numbers.
I told her that would just confuse people trying to call us.

 

[ruffrecords]

It’s astonishing when you realise that only four thirds of the population understands basic mathematics!

Cheers

Ian

 

[thomasdf]

There's only 10 types of person in the world : those who understand binary code and those who don't

Maybe it's already somewhere in these 101011 pages.

 

[scott2000]

 

[pucho812]

A kid was born without ears. When he went to school for the first time he got picked on for being different. Kids would bully him so bad that his parts pulled him out of school and he was home school.
He never left the house he would just stay at home. When he turned 21 his dad said let’s go celebrate with a beer. The kid declined saying folks would make fun of him but his dad convinced him that if they go to his dad’s favorite bar, it would be ok.
So they go to the bar and the kid sees a girl staring at him.feeling confident, he talks to her and asks why she keeps staring. She says you have nice hair.
The bartender keeps staring at him and he asks the bartender what’s up? The bartender tells him you have nice teeth, and I am a dental student so I noticed.
There was an old guy at the end of the bar, who also was staring at the kid. The kid getting infuriated demanded to know what the guy was staring at. The man replied, I see you wear contacts. The kid goes that’s correct. how do you know that? the man replies it’s because you don’t have any ears.

 

[cyrano]

It's Thursday. The husband leaves for work, the wife goes on with her day. The doorbell rings. When she opens the door, a man asks "Do you have a vagina?". Disturbed, she slams the door and goes on with her day. When her husband comes home, she tells him. "Oh, just some freak" is the husband's comment.

On Friday, the same thing happens. When the husband comes home, the wife is all up in arms. So the husband tells her tomorrow, if the man comes again, he'll hide behind the door and you tell that weirdo "Yes, I have a vagina".

Saturday, the bell rings. The husband hides behind the door and when his wife opens the door, there's the weirdo again. So she answers: "Yes, I have a vagina"...

The weirdo replies: "Would you please tell your husband to stop using my wife's vagina and use yours"...

 

[pucho812]

Walked up to the bar and asked for a whisky.
The person behind the bar said “sir, this is a McDonald’s”
So I says ok one Mc’whisky please.

 

[ruffrecords]

A man who visited a friend and found him playing chess with his dog. "That's amazing", he said. "Not really", said his friend, " I've won two of the last three games"

Cheers

Ian

 

[Ó Draighnáin]

My ex-wife misses me... but she's getting closer.

 

[pucho812]

A polish man went to the eye doctor.
The doctor shows him a reading chart
C z v j w i n o a t a e c z.
He asks if he can read that.
The man replies read? Hell I know the guy.

 

[pucho812]

Do not eat aluminum or you will sheet metal.

 

[pucho812]

Buying stuff at Walmart today when the cashier told me strip down facing me.
Was almost 100% naked when I realized she was referring to my debit card.

 

[pucho812]

A steak well done isn’t a steak done well

 

[ruffrecords]

This joke was reportedly told by Prince Charles quite some years ago.

A man goes hunting in the woods hunting. He sees a bear and shoots it. When the smoke clears the bear is walking towards him. "You know you are going to have to pay for that" says the bear. "I want you to turn round drop your draws and bend over. Then I am going the roger you.

Sore and a little bandy, the man returns to town and buys the biggest gun he can find. He goes back to the woods, finds the bear and shoots it. When the smoke clears, the bear is walking towards him. "you know you are going to have to pay for that", says the bear. "twice over"

A little more bandy and somewhat more sore, the man returns to town and buys himself a bazooka. He returns to the wood, finds the bear ans shots him. When the smoke clears, the bear is walking towards him.

"You're not in this for the sport, are you?" says the bear.

Cheers

Ian

 

[Rob Flinn]

Started a business selling re-cycled climbing gear...It's money for old rope.