know any jokes?

[pucho812]

To all of my neighbors - I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police. I have to brake hard, toss my margarita out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

 

[pucho812]

True story
comedian/actor Martin short was one backstage at a frank sinatra concert.
after the show was over, while backstage frank is with Martin short and his buddy. Frank knowing is buddy asks him what he is having to drink. His buddy tells frank who motions to a bartender and martins buddy has a drink coming. Martins buddy then introduces Martin short to Frank. Martin immediately starts with “mr Sinatra, I just think you are the” frank cuts him off saying “I think I know. Now what are you having to drink?”

 

[pucho812]

My girlfriend is accusing me of cheating on her. It’s so annoying she starting to sound like my wife.

 

[boji]

 

[joshk34]

These are my two all time favorite big dick jokes, they got me getting calls back from the older cats at the studio I interned at many years ago:

My dick is so big, it doesn't return Spielberg's calls.

I wasn't just circumcised, I was circumnavigated.

 

[pucho812]

Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to drink at home.

 

[pucho812]

People say I am condescending, that means I talk down to people.

 

[pucho812]

Unbeknownst to most theologians, there was a fourth wiseman who came bearing gifts for the newborn baby Jesus. He was turned away as he brought fruitcake.

 

[AnalogPackrat]

Physicists Arrested

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are riding in a car.

They get pulled over.

Heisenberg is driving. The cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk.
He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

So the cop decides to arrest them all.
- But Ohm resists.

 

[pucho812]

With the current bad weather I visited my 80 year old neighbor to ask if he needed anything from the grocery store.

Turns out he did so I gave him my list too. No point in us both going out in these terrible conditions…

 

[pucho812]

If a little person waves at you it’s called a microwave

 

[pucho812]

Found a lamp in the beach and when I rubbed it to clean it a genie came out.
The genie told me I had 3 wishes. I said make it four. The genie said granted and then told me I have 3 wishes left.

 

[EmilFrid]

Mike has found an unmarked video tape in the drawer of his wife's bedside table. A bit confused and shamelessly curious, he walks into the living room and over to the TV. He puts the tape in the VCR and presses "play", itching from excitement.
The screen immideatly attacks his eyes with images of his wife having sex with his best friend. "I wish Mike would do it like this", the wife moans from the TV set. "You sure know how to please a woman". The moans grow louder, things move faster...
Mike gasps for air and turns the TV off, falling over the coffee table in the process. And after a minute of silence, laying flat on the floor staring at the ceiling, he says to himself:

"Thank God it was just a movie"

 

[scott2000]

My wife has left me again. She says my gambling problem is ruining our family. I bet she comes back by Friday.

 

[scott2000]

Scattered showers

 

[pucho812]

Was told to get in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car while talking on the cell phone.

 

[pucho812]

3 moles are in a tunnel
One says I smell sugar
The second one says I smell syrup
The third one says I smell molasses

 

[pucho812]

What do a very old man and a Christmas tree have in common?
The wood is dead and the balls are just decoration

 

[evil grill]

Jokes about menstruation are not funny!
Period!

 

[pucho812]

Some people say you need to be more positive, well, I am positive I want to go further away from those people.