know any jokes?

[pucho812]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[Tubetec]

I got a giggle off the nun with the nuts joke alright , I'm thick as a brick at other times and the joke flies right over my head .

 

[pucho812]

If steroid use is illegal for athletes shouldn't auto tune be illegal for musicians?

 

[ruffrecords]

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

Was told my edits in pro tools sound too analog.... not sure what that means exactly so I told them "that's because I cut the hard drive platter with a single edge razor"

 

[pucho812]

A man was at the doctor on routine physical when the doctor hands him a cup and says take this home tonight give me a sperm sample and bring it back tomorrow.

The next day the man returns with an empty cup. The doctor asks what happened.
The man says “well doc, First I used my left hand and then I used my right hand but nothing. My wife tried first with her left hand, then her right hand and then she even tried her boobs and armpit but nothing. We even had they neighbors come over who both tried using their left hand and then their right hand but you know no one we knew could get that jar open”

 

[pucho812]

A lady while giving birth to twins(one female one male) had a medical complication and fell into a coma for 3 months. When she finally woke she was asking the nurse about her kids.
The nurse said your babies are healthy and are doing well.
The nurse told her while in a coma her brother named her kids.

She exclaimed what, my brother is an idiot. The lady the asked what they were named.
The nurse replied, your daughter was named Denice.
The lady said oh thank the lord, that’s a nice name. What about my son.
The nurse replied he named him denephew.

 

[cyrano]

Was told my edits in pro tools sound too analog.... not sure what that means exactly so I told them "that's because I cut the hard drive platter with a single edge razor"

On the same level as the guy who bought an ADAT tape recorder because he wanted his productions to sound more analog...

 

[pucho812]

For the Americans

 

[cyrano]

A QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders zero beers. Orders 9999999 beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a rabbit. Orders aljg(u5tfékf. All goes well.

An ordinary customer walks in and asks for the bathroom. The bar bursts into flames and they all die.

 

[pucho812]

A boy and his dad are out in the forest doing the first of a family tradition, one that the boys father did with the boys grandfather, hunting for the family Christmas tree. After a couple of hours they find the perfect tree and chop it down
In excitement the child says “dad, this is the perfect tree are you going to put it up yourself?”
The dad responds “no son, I am going to put it up in the living room”

 

[pucho812]

A drunk guy walks into a bar l, orders a colt 45 malt liquor and a ham and cheese sandwhich.
The bartender says “we don’t have that”.
The guy walks away
15 minutes later same guy walks up to the bartender and orders a colt 45 malt liquor and a jam and cheese sandwhich.
The bartender angrily says “we don’t have that and if you ask again I am going to beat you with this bat”
15 minutes later the guy walks back up to the bartender and orders a bat.
The bartender says “I don’t have that”
Then the guy goes “ok, we’ll, I would like a colt 45 malt liquor and a ham sandwhich”

 

[pucho812]

There was a married couple on their 20th wedding anniversary.
The wife asks her husband “what did you think of me when we first met?”
The husband replied “ I wanted to take off all your cloths and shag you like there was no tomorrow.”
The wife replies “oh my, how about now?”
The husband replies “ I think I did a pretty good job”

 

[JohnRoberts]

There was a married couple on their 20th wedding anniversary.
The wife asks her husband “what did you think of me when we first met?”
The husband replied “ I wanted to take off all your cloths and shag you like there was no tomorrow.”
The wife replies “oh my, how about now?”
The husband replies “ I think I did a pretty good job”

The version of that joke I heard years ago had one minor difference, instead of "shag you like there was no tomorrow', he answers " I wanted to shag your brains out". The punchline still works, mission accomplished.

JR

 

[ruffrecords]

A man goes to the doctor complaining he cannot hear in one ear. The Doc looks in his ear and pulls out a suppository. Ah, says the man, now I know what happened to my hearing aid.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

She said she missed me. Normally that would be a good thing, but this time she is reloading.

 

[pucho812]

If escaping from New York does not happen try ctrl + alt + delete from New York.

 

[pucho812]

i was shaving my private parts using my iPhone camera and light to assist me. All was going well until I started getting likes on social media

 

[pucho812]

Producer to engineer: You'll never mix a salad in this town!

 

[ruffrecords]

How does the present King Charles sign his Christmas cards? " The artist formerly known as Prince".

Cheers

Ian