know any jokes?

[pucho812]

The oldest living silent film star died in Hollywood today, he didn’t have any last words only a couple gestures.

 

[pucho812]

A well off investment banker and a janitor often ride together on the train into the city. They often chat. Being that it’s Christmas time, the janitor asked the investment banker what he got his wife for Christmas. The investment banker says I got my wife a diamond ring, and a Mercedes. The janitor asked what he got her the Mercedes for. The banker goes well. If she doesn’t like the diamond ring, she can drive it back in the Mercedes. The investment banker, then asked the janitor what he got his wife for Christmas. The janitor replies I got my wife slippers and a dildo. The investment banker ask why did you get her the dildo?. the janitor replies well if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go f**k herself.

 

[pucho812]

A women was brought to the police station for questioning about the death of her husband.
When asked how he died, she proclaimed that the lying cheating bastard was poisoned by her and that he died from poisoning.
The detective questioning her, then exclaimed but their are bruises all over his body!!!
The women says yes, that bastard refused to drink it.

 

[pucho812]

a wife walked in on her husband having sex with his personal trainer.
She exclaimed this isn’t working out.

 

[pucho812]

There is a huge sale at the Lego store. People are lined up for blocks

 

[pucho812]

A child asked his dad
“Father can you explain to me what an solar eclipse is”
The dad responded “no sun”.

 

[pucho812]

I don’t call them New Year’s resolutions, I call them casual promises to myself that I am under no legal obligation to fulfill

 

[JohnRoberts]

not really a joke but a cultural observation so try not to be offended out there.

When I was a kid we called shoes with narrow pointed toes "_________ fence climbers" (insert you favorite minority) because the shoe toes could poke through the holes in chain link fences.

Recently I heard a red neck cowboy describe boots with sharp pointy toes as roach crushers, because they can reach the roaches trying to hide in the corners that wide toe boots can't reach.

Note: I warned it wasn't a joke.

JR

 

[pucho812]

Where I grew up cowboy boots were pointy and were used often to hop pasture fences.

 

[crazydoc]

Recently I heard a red neck cowboy describe boots with sharp pointy toes as roach crushers, because they can reach the roaches trying to hide in the corners that wide toe boots can't reach.

When I lived in NYC in the 60's we used to say that a certain cultural group that lived there wore pointy shoes so they could kill the cockroaches in the corners.

 

[Tubetec]

Remember Fly guy ?

 

[pucho812]

What’s the difference between iron man and aluminum man.
Iron man stops criminals, aluminum man just foils their plans

 

[Brian Roth]

Uno dos tres quatro cinco cinco seis:



Bri

 

[pucho812]

A sheep a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Baaa-dummm-tsssss

 

[evil grill]

What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?



- Ay matey!

 

[pucho812]

What do you call a pirate who pisses on people?

Arrrr-Kelly.

 

[pucho812]

Got pulled over by the highway patrol for driving in the car pool lane without a second passenger.
Cop: so I am writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: you're going to feel real stupid when you look in my trunk

 

[scott2000]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."

 

[pucho812]

Say one joke and people automatically think you’re on their side.
The joke?

How many Kevin McCarthy’s does it take to change a light bulb?

A: well, first he needs a house.

 

[pucho812]

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask on and tubes going in and out of him every which way.
A nurses comes in to give him a nightly sponge bath.
He asks the nurse are my testicles black?
The nurse blushes and says sir, I am here to give you a sponge bath but I am only supposed to do the upper half, face and arms.

The man with a more worried look asks the question a second time.
For a second time the nurse repeats her response.

The man starts to look even more worried. The nurse fearing the man may elevate his blood pressure and have a cardiac issue decides that she will check. She pulls down his pants and firmly holds his testicles in one hand and his penis in the other. She gives them a thorough inspection and tells a man that everything looks normal.
The man having a huge smile on his face, pulls off his oxygen mask and says that was lovely, but are my test results back?