know any jokes?

[pucho812]

A guy goes into a bar and sees a sign that says grilled cheese 2 dollars, hand jobs 10 dollars.
He asks the female bartender if she is the one who gives the hand jobs.
She looks at him with a coy look and in a sultry voice says “why, yes I am.”
The man responds “good. Now go wash your hands and make me a grilled cheese sandwich”

 

[pucho812]

A guy dies and is greeted at the gates of hell by Satan. The guy stunned to see Satan says “I guess I didn’t get into heaven”
Satan says “no you did not but it’s so bad down here” “you like to drink?”
The man says yes. Satan says “well, every Monday is drink day. We drink all day. You name it we got it”. The man thinks it’s great. “How about smoking, do you smoke?” The man says yes I enjoy cigars. Satan goes “well, every Tuesday is smoking day. Can smoke whatever you like”. Do you do drugs? The man said “well I did enjoy marijuana”. Satan replies well, every Wednesday, is drug day so can do whatever you like without issue. The man goes “wow, this place doesn’t sound bad. I can drink, smoke , do drugs without any issues. I am going to like it here. Satan then asks “are you a homosexual?” The man says “what? No, I am not!” Satan then says “well, you’re not going to like fridays.

 

[JohnRoberts]

now this is funny... "made ya look...

// A softball player miraculously pulled off the 'made ya look' trick to finally tag home

JR

 

[pucho812]

I think Taylor swifts ex-boyfriends should get together and record an album. Can call it ”it’s not us, it’s you”

 

[ruffrecords]

What do you call a Russian with three balls?

Hoodya Getyerbollockoff

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

A musician I know told me he lost his tuba. Upon hearing the news I exclaimed “that’s tubad”

 

[pucho812]

Boss to employee “do you believe in life after death?”

Employee to boss “no. There is no proof of it”

Boss to employee “well, there is now. After you left to go to your uncles funeral, he came here looking for you”

 

[pucho812]

Give a person a plane ticket and they will fly for a day.
Push a person out of an airplane, and they will fly for the rest of their life

 

[pucho812]

Albert Einstein was a genius. His brother Frank was a monster.

 

[pucho812]

My neighbor is a grandmother in her 80’s. I am friends with the family who live far enough away that they asked me to be an emergency contact. I said sure.
One day my neighbor calls me up asking for help. She has a jigsaw puzzle her grand daughter gave her and can’t get started. I said ok, I can come over.
I get there and she is showing me the box. That the puzzle is supposed to be a rooster.
After looking at the box and the pieces.
I sad first of all we will never be able to put the pieces together and make a rooster.
Secondly let’s sit down and have a nice cup of tea. After the tea, we can put all the cornflakes back in the box.

 

[ruffrecords]

I dream of a day when chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

How do jokes about Putin in Russia start?

By looking over your shoulder

 

[pucho812]

Went to a martial arts tournament and saw some real great feats in martial arts.
When the martial arts katana competition finished I was talking with the top 3 guys.
I asked the guy in third place what he did to get that spot.
He said see the fly on the wall? Ge blows the flow off the wall and swings his katana splitting the fly in half.
Woa…
I asked the guy in second place what he did?
He says see that fluky on the wall? He blows it off and swings at the fly and boom, the fly is split into 4 equal
Pieces.
Impressed by these two I had to see what first place did.
So i asked the first place winner what they did to win.
He says see that fly on the wall? He blows the fly off the wall and swings at it. The fly appearing unharmed flys away.
I remarked that got you first place? The fly survived.
The winner remarks yeah but now he can’t have children.

 

[ruffrecords]

Meanwhile, back the the ranch, Tonto, disguised as a wardrobe, had his knob shot off.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

A husband buys 12 underwear of the same color for his wife. She gets angry with saying why are they all the same color? People are going to think I don’t change my underwater.
Her husband replies which people.

 

[pucho812]

In Canada is it hosa cable or hoser cable?

 

[pucho812]

Why old men don’t get hired

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Interviewee: my honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a weakness.
Interviewee: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

 

[pucho812]

If I’m ever known as the one who got away…..

It will be from the asylum

 

[ruffrecords]

I have been sold a fake bucket. It was a pail imitation.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

With items not being on the store shelves like they used to be I have had to improvise meals lately. Yesterday I made a nice risotto with mushrooms which I forged for up in the hills. Not only was it delicious, soon after an entire chorus of Welsh purple colored elephants sang the entire “bat out of hell” meatloaf album accompanied by a light show.