know any jokes?

[ruffrecords]

I bought a dog today from a Blacksmith. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

I started investing in stocks: beef, chicken and vegetables.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire

 

[ruffrecords]

Never mind the chicken crossing the road, how did the egg get up the mountain?? Of course, it scrambled up.

Cheers

Ian

 

[ruffrecords]

Frog jokes:

What kind of sandals do frogs wear?? Open-toad.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

Do I sense a theme here?

Cheers

Ian

 

[Brian Roth]

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.
When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.

The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

 

[pucho812]

A guy is at home when he gets a txt message from his neighbor.
It reads “dear mark, I have a confession. While you have been off at work, I have been enjoying your wife. I have been using your wife multiple times a day. I’m sorry it came to this”

The guy reads the txt and gets livid. He calls his wife downstairs and starts to scream at her. He wants a divorce due to all the cheating she has been doing with the neighbor. He says the neighbor confessed and everything.

A few minutes later the neighbor sends another txt saying they hate autocorrect, he ment wifi.

 

[pucho812]

My new slogan is a zinger

“if you want to be somebody hire (insert name here), but if you are somebody you hire pucho

 

[JohnRoberts]

)

seems like there should be more than two shirt choices.

JR

 

[pucho812]

seems like there should be more than two shirt choices.

JR

But they come in all colors

 

[pucho812]

Marriage is like a deck of cards in the beginning all you need is two hearts, and the diamond, by the end you‘ll wish you had a club and a spade.

 

[ruffrecords]

A kid comes home and tells his Dad he got into trouble at school again. What did you do this time his Dad asks? The kid says the teacher asked what we did at the weekend and told us to use our big kid words. So Emily said she visited her Nanna but the teacher said no, use your big kids words so Emily said I saw my grandmother. So I said I read a book at the weekend. The teacher said what book did you read, and remember to use for big kid words. So I told her I read "Winnie the shit".

Cheers

Ian

 

[ruffrecords]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says she has a problem with gas but it really doesn't bother her too much because it is silent and does not smell. In fact, she says, I have farted about 20 times since I have been in your office. The doctor says take these pills and come back in one week.

A week later the old lady comes back and says Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills you gave me but now my farts really stink. OK, says the Doctor, that's your sinuses sorted now let's work on your hearing.

Cheers

Ian

 

[AnalogPackrat]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile,

- "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,

- "No."

Surprised, Luigi reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Luigi smiles and asks,

- "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says,

- "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Luigi reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Luigi falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again,

- "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

- "No, I'm Norwegian."

 

[ruffrecords]

An old blind marine wanders into an all girl bikers bar by mistake and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender "Hey, would you like to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls very silent and in a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, " Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair given that you are blind, that you should know five things. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I am a 6ft tall 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now think about it. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The blind marine thinks for a second, shakes his head a mutters "No, not if I am going to have to explain it five times"

Cheers

ian

 

[pucho812]

The salesman at the furniture store assured me my new couch will seat five people without any problems. It occurred to me after I was walking out that I don’t know five people without any problems.

 

[pucho812]

“Jazzy’s not dead. It just smells funny”

-Frank Zappa

 

[pucho812]

If Apple made a car, would it come with windows?

 

[scott2000]

;

 

[pucho812]

As a person who is of Italian descent I once was asked why the mob doesn’t like jehovah witnesses?

I responded the mob doesn’t like any witnesses.

 

[pucho812]

I ran across an ad for a vintage guitar amp, 1 dollar, volume stuck at full.
Well I couldn’t turn it down