ruffrecords
Well-known member
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador
Cheers
Ian
A Labracadabrador
Cheers
Ian
know any jokes?
- Thread starter pucho812
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pucho812
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pucho812
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What if F Scott Fitzgerald came back from the dead and said it’s pronounced “jatsby”
pucho812
Well-known member
A traveler who is hitchhiking comes upon a farm house. He knocks on the door and when the farmer opens it, he explains how he has been hitchhiking all day and couldn’t get a ride. If the farmer would provide him lodging he would return the gesture by doing work on the farm.
The farmer thinks about it and says ok but no need to do any work, I am just helping a fellow man in need.
The next day the traveler insists on helping the farmer but the farmer keeps refusing.
Finally the traveler tells the farmer I can talk to the animals. The traveler talks to the horses and tells the farmer the horses say you bought new bits recently and it hurts them so they can’t pull the plows as much.
The farmer says “wow your right I did get new bits for my horses recently”
The traveler next says and I talked to the cows and they say that your milking machine is set too high at 36. It should be 28. At 36 there is too much pressure and it causes issues.
Sure enough the farmer goes wow your right I did have it set to 36.
Then the traveler said I talked to your sheep.
Before the traveler could say what the sheep told him The farmer interrupted the traveler “ you can’t trust them, them sheep are liars. “
The farmer thinks about it and says ok but no need to do any work, I am just helping a fellow man in need.
The next day the traveler insists on helping the farmer but the farmer keeps refusing.
Finally the traveler tells the farmer I can talk to the animals. The traveler talks to the horses and tells the farmer the horses say you bought new bits recently and it hurts them so they can’t pull the plows as much.
The farmer says “wow your right I did get new bits for my horses recently”
The traveler next says and I talked to the cows and they say that your milking machine is set too high at 36. It should be 28. At 36 there is too much pressure and it causes issues.
Sure enough the farmer goes wow your right I did have it set to 36.
Then the traveler said I talked to your sheep.
Before the traveler could say what the sheep told him The farmer interrupted the traveler “ you can’t trust them, them sheep are liars. “
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pucho812
Well-known member
Elvis Costello and ABBA will be going out on tour this summer. They do not know who the headliner will be so you will have to watch Abba and Costello to see who’s on first.
Two men from Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly rain began pouring down.
“Quick,” said one. “The umbrella!”
“It won’t help,” said the other. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“Why? I didn’t think it would rain!”
“Quick,” said one. “The umbrella!”
“It won’t help,” said the other. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“Why? I didn’t think it would rain!”
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pucho812
Well-known member
a jazz drummer and band are booked at a club.
The drummer arrives early and gets his drums set up. While waiting for the rest of the band he has a drink and goes outside for a smoke. He is out smoking when the club owner comes out yelling at him that he paid for a band from 7 - midnight, that it’s 7 o’clock and no one is playing. The drummer says what do you want me to do everyone is late. The owner insists he paid for music from 7 - midnight start playing.
Drummer gets onstage by himself and starts playing. About a minute into his playing people start to get up and dance. After about 10 minutes the drummer stops. By the point everyone in the club had been dancing. Right away a person who had been dancing asks if he takes request and would he play “take the a-train”. The drummer replies “what the hell you think I was playing for the last 10 minutes?”
The drummer arrives early and gets his drums set up. While waiting for the rest of the band he has a drink and goes outside for a smoke. He is out smoking when the club owner comes out yelling at him that he paid for a band from 7 - midnight, that it’s 7 o’clock and no one is playing. The drummer says what do you want me to do everyone is late. The owner insists he paid for music from 7 - midnight start playing.
Drummer gets onstage by himself and starts playing. About a minute into his playing people start to get up and dance. After about 10 minutes the drummer stops. By the point everyone in the club had been dancing. Right away a person who had been dancing asks if he takes request and would he play “take the a-train”. The drummer replies “what the hell you think I was playing for the last 10 minutes?”
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pucho812
Well-known member
A guy gets pulled over by the police while driving late at night.
The officer thinking the man is drunk approaches the car and starts asking the man questions.
He eventually asks where the man is going so late at night.
The man’s says he is going to a lecture about staying out all night drinking and smoking and how awful it is.
The officer is amazed and inquires who gives that kind of lecture so late at night.
The driver responds, my wife.
The officer thinking the man is drunk approaches the car and starts asking the man questions.
He eventually asks where the man is going so late at night.
The man’s says he is going to a lecture about staying out all night drinking and smoking and how awful it is.
The officer is amazed and inquires who gives that kind of lecture so late at night.
The driver responds, my wife.
pucho812
Well-known member
When techs go shopping….
pucho812
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If you google 9114 s. Central Ave. it comes up as a business “Sanford and son salvage”
pucho812
Well-known member
A police officer visits a house where the neighbors complained they heard gun shots.
The officer radios the station saying the lady who lives at the house shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.
The station asks the officer if she had been arrested.
The officer replies not yet, the floor is still wet.
The officer radios the station saying the lady who lives at the house shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.
The station asks the officer if she had been arrested.
The officer replies not yet, the floor is still wet.
pucho812
Well-known member
pucho812
Well-known member
I sent a love letter to an English teacher I was infatuated with. It didn’t work out at all, she sent it back with a grade and correction marks.
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pucho812
Well-known member
A lady who owned a string of cat houses across the United States. She decided to retire and sold all her cat houses. She bought a mansion and retired.
She had one more thing she wanted to do in life, she wanted to get married but she had one stipulation, she wanted to marry a man who never been with a women. Well she searched the world over and found an old man living in Australia. Well she ups and they meet. They hit it off and get married. On the wedding night she goes into the bathroom to get fixed up and ready. When she comes out she sees her new husband sitting there and he moved all the furniture to the outside of the room.
She asks what did you do?
He says well I have never been with a women but if it’s anything like being with a kangaroo we are going to need all the room we can get.
She had one more thing she wanted to do in life, she wanted to get married but she had one stipulation, she wanted to marry a man who never been with a women. Well she searched the world over and found an old man living in Australia. Well she ups and they meet. They hit it off and get married. On the wedding night she goes into the bathroom to get fixed up and ready. When she comes out she sees her new husband sitting there and he moved all the furniture to the outside of the room.
She asks what did you do?
He says well I have never been with a women but if it’s anything like being with a kangaroo we are going to need all the room we can get.
pucho812
Well-known member
What’s the difference between government and organized crime?
One is organized.
One is organized.
There are three dogs waiting at the vet clinic.
The one dog asks the others why they are there. The first dog quickly speaks up. "I am here because I am a digger. I dig holes in the yard, I dug up the flowers, and I even dug a hole through the living room carpeting." The other dogs asked, "well, why are you here?" He responded, "they are going to neuter me, they think it will calm me down," he said as he frowned.
So he asked the the next dog why he was here. the second dog replies, "well, I am a chewer. I chewed up the pillows, I chewed up dads shoes, and I chewed up the entire duvet on the bed." The other dogs responded with, "oh man I am sorry, let us guess, they are going to neuter you." He said yes, by by family jewels.
Finally they ask the third dog, "so what's up with you?" He replies, "I am kind of ashamed to say, but I am a humper. I hump everything. They had guests over the other night, I started off with some nice table leg humping before the guests even got settled. Then I moved it up to humping their boys leg over and over while they tried to eat. Figuring I had had a pretty good night, I decided to lay low until morning. That's when I spotted my owner lady getting out of the shower... When she bent over to dry her legs, I could not help myself. So I hamper her too!"
The other dogs jaws dropped in shock. They replied, Oh man, you are gonna get neutered for sure, MAYBE EVEN PUT TO SLEEP!"
The third dog responded, "No I am here for a shampoo, and to get my nails trimmed."
The one dog asks the others why they are there. The first dog quickly speaks up. "I am here because I am a digger. I dig holes in the yard, I dug up the flowers, and I even dug a hole through the living room carpeting." The other dogs asked, "well, why are you here?" He responded, "they are going to neuter me, they think it will calm me down," he said as he frowned.
So he asked the the next dog why he was here. the second dog replies, "well, I am a chewer. I chewed up the pillows, I chewed up dads shoes, and I chewed up the entire duvet on the bed." The other dogs responded with, "oh man I am sorry, let us guess, they are going to neuter you." He said yes, by by family jewels.
Finally they ask the third dog, "so what's up with you?" He replies, "I am kind of ashamed to say, but I am a humper. I hump everything. They had guests over the other night, I started off with some nice table leg humping before the guests even got settled. Then I moved it up to humping their boys leg over and over while they tried to eat. Figuring I had had a pretty good night, I decided to lay low until morning. That's when I spotted my owner lady getting out of the shower... When she bent over to dry her legs, I could not help myself. So I hamper her too!"
The other dogs jaws dropped in shock. They replied, Oh man, you are gonna get neutered for sure, MAYBE EVEN PUT TO SLEEP!"
The third dog responded, "No I am here for a shampoo, and to get my nails trimmed."
this is an old classic, but it sounds funnier if you say that the "woman" brought the dog to the vet...
JR
living sounds
Well-known member
I expected the punchline to be that the dog was there to be treated for a recent STD infection...
pucho812
Well-known member
A daughter texts her dad. “Dad I am in trouble, I got a flat tire.”
The dad responds “did you call your husband?”
The daughter says “I called him, but he is busy and can’t come.
The dad “says ok. Have you got a spare?”
The daughter responds “yes but he is busy too.”
The dad responds “did you call your husband?”
The daughter says “I called him, but he is busy and can’t come.
The dad “says ok. Have you got a spare?”
The daughter responds “yes but he is busy too.”
Rob Flinn
Well-known member
A Man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. Fortunately he's now fully recovered.
