know any jokes?

[pucho812]

I know a mind reader who would charge you half price​

 

[pucho812]

I just bought my muso friend a get better soon card. He is not sick, but his music playing needs improvement

 

[JohnRoberts]

A number of people now stand behind Alec Baldwin, because they don't trust standing in front of him.

 

[pucho812]

o.k. does anyone know little Johnny jokes? Maybe it's a regional thing?
Here is one.

Little Johnny is in class one day.
The teacher asks the class "What do chickens give us?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and gets called.
He says "eggs". The teacher says "correct"
Next The teacher asks the class "what do pigs give us?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and gets called again
He says "bacon" The teacher says "correct"
The teacher then asks " what do fat cows give us?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and gets called.
He says "homework"

 

[pucho812]

Went to the book shoppe and ask the person behind the counter where was the self-help section.they said if we tell you it would defeat the purpose.

 

[JohnRoberts]

Not really a joke but amusing nonetheless that the baseball commissioner who pulled the all star game out of Atlanta now must award them with the world series trophy.

JR

 

[pucho812]

things are getting real expensive.
when I was growing up you could go to the store and for a dollar get a bag of potatoes, a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs. You can't do that anymore, too many cameras.

 

[JohnRoberts]

things are getting real expensive.
when I was growing up you could go to the store and for a dollar get a bag of potatoes, a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs. You can't do that anymore, too many cameras.

but in SF shoplifting less than $950 is only a misdemeanor. That is kind of a joke... (Sorry).

JR

 

[pucho812]

but in SF shoplifting less than $950 is only a misdemeanor. That is kind of a joke... (Sorry).

JR

Yes, truth is anything under 1000 they won’t even prosecute

 

[JohnRoberts]

The government was thinking about taxing Daylight Savings, just to get their fair share, until they realized they would have to issue refunds in the spring when time changes back.

JR

 

[pucho812]

The government was thinking about taxing Daylight Savings, just to get their fair share, until they realized they would have to issue refunds in the spring when time changes back.

JR

 

[Rob Flinn]

They are bringing out a new Bond film to appease the LGBT community. Bond starts off as a man & the transgenders to a woman by the end of the film. They are calling the film "Cocktopussy"

 

[Rob Flinn]

I object to all this sex on the tv. I mean I keep falling off !

 

[pucho812]

The person who invented the ferris wheel never met the person who invented the merry-go-round. They travelled in different circles.

 

[JohnRoberts]

farris wheel... now thats funny

 

[pucho812]

Desperately seeking one night stand, possible 2. I own two lamps.

 

[pucho812]

"you can buy a man a fish and he can he eat for the day ..or you can buy him a pair of fishnets and someone in hollywood will buy him dinner every night"

 

[analag]

Yeah I know a joke ...in fact what is not a joke?

 

[ruffrecords]

A few Dad jokes with a Christmas flavour.

Just seen a snowman in Sainsbury's looking through the carrots. Think he was picking his nose.

Thanks to the recent storms, my wheelie bin has to go on a speed awareness course next week.

Due to the high winds, a bloke near us is having a garden sale tomorrow. He's got three trampolines, six patio chairs and four fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time.

And the gale blew the roof off a cheese factory in France. There's de brie everywhere.

My mate came top in a dungaree-wearing competition, so I suppose you could say he was the overall winner.

My mate is a pretty good ventriloquist. Even if he says so himself.

I've bought shares in a company that manufactures tennis rackets. I'm hoping for a good return.

My jacuzzi has been stolen. The police have said that when they catch the thieves they'll be in hot water.


I'm bringing out a version of the Band Aid song called Duvet Know It's Christmas? It's a cover.

Cheers

Ian

 

[ruffrecords]

There's more....

Just found out who's been stealing my beetroot. I caught them red handed.

My friend just bought his wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.

I once owned an apple pie company. It made a great turnover.

Our local dentist is doing half price teeth cleaning this week. It's Plaque Friday.

Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley.

What do you call buying a piano for the holidays? Christmas Chopin.

I just got back from the Asda sale. Got a great bargain. Shopping trolley for £1.

Cheers

Ian