know any jokes?

[pucho812]

My dad is 90 and he doesn’t need glasses. He drinks straight from the bottle.

 

[pucho812]

A guy is working in the produce section at the grocery store.
A lady walks up to him and asks for broccoli. She can’t find the broccoli
The man explains to her they ran out and they will have more in tomorrow.
He goes back to work, and a few minutes later, the same lady walks up to him and ask again for broccoli.
He explained to her a second time that they ran out and we’ll have more tomorrow.
He goes about his work.
A few minutes later, the lady walked up to him and asked for broccoli.
This time the man is annoyed and ask the lady do you know how to spell cat as in catastrophic. She spells it.
He asked her to spell Dog as in dogmatic.
She spells it.
He ask her to spell fucking as in fucking broccoli.
She replies, I can’t do that there’s no fucking broccoli.
He then smiles, and says that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for the past 10 minutes.

 

[pucho812]

Some days you’re the dog. Some days you are the fire hydrant.

 

[pucho812]

Life is funny.

 

[pucho812]

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.

 

[pucho812]

A guy is out golfing when he gets confused as to what hole he is on. He spots a lady in front of him. He asks her what hole he is on. She says well I am on hole 7th which put you on hole 6, one hole behind me.
On the back nine the same thing happens again and after telling the man what hole he is on she says you’re one hole behind me.
At the 19th hole while having a drink the man and women start talking. He asks her what she does and she says she is in sales. He says he is in sales too. He asks her what she sells. She says don’t laugh but I sell tampons. He starts laughing like crazy. As she starts to get mad at him for laughing he goes don’t be mad but I sell toilet paper, once again I am a hole behind you.

 

[Rob Flinn]

I invented a glove.........Ok, so Im lying, but I did have a hand in it.

 

[JohnRoberts]

Two white lab mice walked into a bar. Mouse #1 asked mouse #2 "Are you getting a Covid shot?" Mouse #2 answered "No, they aren't finished testing it on humans yet. "

JR

 

[pucho812]

Every day a smuggler crosses the border with a donkey and one bag of hay. When he reaches the customs and immigration every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in the pubs or restaurants in the city, they see the same man spending lots of money and boasting that he is in fact a smuggler and that no one can catch him.

Every day, incensed at his bold claims, customs and immigration obsessively search his bags of straw.

They sift the straw, cut it into pieces, rip open the fabric of his bags, attempt to burn the straw, check his hat, his beard, and even cut open his shoes in the hope of finding drugs between the leather.

And yet, each evening, he is seen back in the city growing ever more prosperous and ever more brazen, even offering to pay for the meals and drinks of the customs and immigration agents while continuing to tell stories of his wily smuggling.

The customs and immigration agents continue their futile interrogations of the straw bags for years, to no avail.

This continues until, now a prosperous man, the smuggler moves away to another city and settles down to enjoy his wealth.

Years pass and one day, in the market, one of the retired agents meets his old foe and asks,

‘Mister, many years have passed: I am no longer a customs and Immigration angent and we are just two old men. Please, you can tell me, what was it you were smuggling all that time?’

The smuggler replied,

‘Donkeys.’

 

[pucho812]

A kid is working the produce section at the market when a guy walks up to him and says I want to buy half of a head of lettuce. The kid explains how the only sell whole heads not half a head but he would go see the manager.
The kid sees the manager and complains about the odd request. As he finishes complaining the customer is standing right behind him. So he adds that the customer is buying half and he is buying the other half. The manager agrees to the transaction and tell the kid after words how he was impressed with how he got out of trouble and resolved the situation.
The manager then strikes up conversation asking the kid where he is from. The kid says he is from Canada. The manager asks him why he moved?
The kid tells him because there was nothing there for me, Canada is only tramps and hockey players.
The manager goes “wait a minute my wife is from Canada!”
The kid then says “oh yeah? What team did she play for?”

 

[ruffrecords]

A kid is working the produce section at the market when a guy walks up to him and says I want to buy half of a head of lettuce. The kid explains how the only sell whole heads not half a head but he would go see the manager.
The kid sees the manager and complains about the odd request. As he finishes complaining the customer is standing right behind him. So he adds that the customer is buying half and he is buying the other half. The manager agrees to the transaction and tell the kid after words how he was impressed with how he got out of trouble and resolved the situation.
The manager then strikes up conversation asking the kid where he is from. The kid says he is from Canada. The manager asks him why he moved?
The kid tells him because there was nothing there for me, Canada is only tramps and hockey players.
The manager goes “wait a minute my wife is from Canada!”
The kid then says “oh yeah? What team did she play for?”

This joke reminds just how much UK and US vernacular English differ. In the UK a tramp is a homeless person who wanders the country - what in the US is called a hobo.

In the US a woman of easy virtue is called a tramp, in the UK she is a slapper or tart.

Cheers

Ian

 

[AnalogPackrat]

This joke reminds just how much UK and US vernacular English differ. In the UK a tramp is a homeless person who wanders the country - what in the US is called a hobo.

In the US a woman of easy virtue is called a tramp, in the UK she is a slapper or tart.

Cheers

Ian

Tramp in the USA can also mean vagrant/hobo. The word isn't currently in common use for either meaning. Instead we have sluts, hoes, and chronically unhoused individuals.

 

[Tubetec]

Theres an irish version of the donkey joke too , but instead its a man who crosses the border everyday with a wheel barrow and a shovel .

 

[JohnRoberts]

This joke reminds just how much UK and US vernacular English differ. In the UK a tramp is a homeless person who wanders the country - what in the US is called a hobo.

In the US a woman of easy virtue is called a tramp, in the UK she is a slapper or tart.

Cheers

Ian

While Charlie Chaplin was a British actor, his "tramp" character from 1915 US movie of the same name, was iconic.

JR

 

[ruffrecords]

Tramp in the USA can also mean vagrant/hobo. The word isn't currently in common use for either meaning. Instead we have sluts, hoes, and chronically unhoused individuals.

That is the wonderful thing about language. It is constantly evolving and most driven by the common populace as it should be.

Cheers

Ian

 

[crazydoc]

Here in the US a wandering homeless woman of easy virtue is of course called a tramp squared.

 

[Tubetec]

Tramp ,slut,ho ,theres many derogatory adjectives to describe the loose female ,
not so many for the equivalent male though ,
its a bit of a joke in itself isnt it ?

 

[AnalogPackrat]

Tramp ,slut,ho ,theres many derogatory adjectives to describe the loose female ,
not so many for the equivalent male though ,
its a bit of a joke in itself isnt it ?

Cad, Casanova, playah, horndog, philanderer, Lothario, playboy, womanizer, skirt-chaser...

 

[ruffrecords]

Cad, Casanova, playah, horndog, philanderer, Lothario, playboy, womanizer, skirt-chaser...

Not to mention lucky bastard.

Cheers

Ian

 

[ruffrecords]

We were having a bit of a clear out and came across my last year's birthday present from one of the kids. In it was a Dad joke toilet roll. Unfortunately this means I am about to post loads of lame jokes. here goes:

Why didn't Hans Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie

What did one plate say to the other? Tonight dinner's on me

I sold our vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

What is the best way to watch a fly fishing contest? Live stream.

Did you hear about the bankrupt poet? He ode everyone.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborgini.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist

Why do nurse like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood

I tell Dad jokes but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux Pa.

( and that's ol;y 4 sheets of toilet paper)

Cheers

Ian

Dogs cannot operate MRI machines, but catscan.