know any jokes?

[pucho812]

I asked my eye doctor if I could see the results of my eye test.
He said I couldn’t.

 

[ruffrecords]

I cracked my head smack on my bald spot. Ouch!
Xray shows that have a receding hairline fracture.

Cheers

Ian

 

[Rob Flinn]

 

[Rob Flinn]

I told my wife, she painted her eyebrows to high..she looked surprised

 

[pucho812]

An American, a Brit and an Aussie are in Russian prison.
They are sentenced to die for crimes against the state.
The executioner pulls the American out of his cell and asks him how he wants to die. Do you want firing squad, lethal injection, or the electric chair?
The American says the chair.
The chair is not working and the American finds out that if you don’t die you get released.
As he is walking out he tells the Brit what happened.
The executioner visits the Brit. He asks the same question. The Brit says the same answer and as he is walking out he tells the Aussie about the chair.
The executioner visits the Aussie. He asked him the same question. The Aussie tells him that the chair is not working so he can pick one of the other choices for him.

 

[Viitalahde]

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Steve Reich

 

[Rob Flinn]

I bought a wig in a charity shop, it was only £1.
It was a small price toupee !

 

[pucho812]

Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car, take said business card write sorry on it and then leave it on the windshield and windshield wiper.

 

[ruffrecords]

From a letter in this morning's newspaper:

"Perhaps we should swap border control staff with doctor's receptionists. This would make an open door for doctor's appointments and the receptionists would easily repel the illegal immigrants."

Cheers

Ian

 

[ruffrecords]

 

[pucho812]

Anyone else going to the Women’s Roofing Expo this weekend? I hear all the shingle ladies will be there.

 

[ruffrecords]

The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden . He should have his Cabinet together by the weekend.

Cheers

Ian

 

[john12ax7]

 

[ruffrecords]

The last time I was asked to perform ultrasound on a bird I was in Sweden: I scanned an avian!

Cheers

Ian

 

[SolarFlare]

Just dropped by and couldn't resist sharing a chuckle:

1. Why don't we ever tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
2. I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I enrolled in Sundae school.
3. I'm reading a book on the history of glue. I just can't seem to put it down.

Hope these (copied from oghumor) bring a smile to your day! Keep the laughs coming, folks!

 

[ruffrecords]

When I told my Career Advisor that I simply wanted a job that put food on the table he suggested that I become a waiter.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

A WIFE Sends a Message to Her HUSBAND

WIFE: “Honey, please don't forget to buy bread when you're coming home from work and lest I forget... Your girlfriend Elizabeth is also here and says hello to you.”

HUSBAND: Who is Elizabeth?

WIFE : Nobody, I just wanted you to respond, so I can have confirmation that you saw my message.

HUSBAND: But I’m with Elizabeth right now, I thought you saw us!

WIFE: What! Where are you?

Husband: Near the neighbourhood bakery.

WIFE: Wait, I’m coming right now!

After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:

WIFE:I’m at the bakery, where are you?

HUSBAND: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, please buy the bread and go home!

 

[JohnRoberts]

I saw this on F_book, don't know if it is a joke, but it is a little funny except for the man being shot.

JR

 

[pucho812]

View attachment 123507

I saw this on F_book, don't know if it is a joke, but it is a little funny except for the man being shot.

JR

Well, what if he really was shitting?

 

[scott2000]

Well, what if he really was shitting?

...the title would say man shart