know any jokes?

[Rob Flinn]

My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"
I said, "The long distance swimming one would be a good start!"

 

[pucho812]

A guy driving an inexpensive car pulls up at a light next to a Rolls Royce at a light.
He starts to chat with the rolls Royce driver asking him questions.
Do your car have a dvd player?
My car has a dvd player.
Does your car have a TV in the back? My car has a TV in the back.
This continues until the driver asks about a bed. The rolls Royce driver says I dont have a bed and speeds off. He is so mad he goes right to the shop and demand they install a bed, spare no expense.
The next day the rolls Royce driver, goes around looking for the other car. He finally finds the other car with the windows all fogged up.
He knocks on the foggy windows and after a few minutes the other driver is what do you want?
The rolls royer driver is boasting about his bed he installed and how luxurious it is.
The driver of the inexpensive car says you got me out of the shower for this?

 

[pucho812]

Some folks are so judgmental, I can tell just by looking at them.

 

[Rob Flinn]

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[pucho812]

Do you know why a gun is better then a wife?

You can put a silencer on a gun.

 

[pucho812]

Photo of mark twain laying down the bass on Tom Sawyer

 

[pucho812]

I poured root beer in a square glass, now I just have beer.

 

[Rob Flinn]

Husband to wife " I just broke a glass in the kitchen"
Wife "OK, I'm coming with a broom"
Husband "It's not that urgent, you can come on foot if you like".

 

[pucho812]

Overheard this today

This kopi luwak tastes like shit.

 

[pucho812]

I joined a support group for antisocial people last year.
We haven’t met yet.

 

[boji]

Few generations back, kid is shoveling coal into his family's furnace and his shovel strikes a big lump of coal.
He goes to free the lump from the pile and it splits open, revealing a giant brass bell inside.
Amazed by the beauty of the metalwork, he brings it to his dad, who later has it carbon dated. Turns out it is from the ding
dynasty.

 

[pucho812]

How come they never put out a Beatles book on carpentry or general household maintenance. Could have easily called it “I’m fixing a hole” do basic household maintenance with the Beatles”

 

[pucho812]

beef jerky is just cow raisins. change my mind.

 

[pucho812]

What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can make a vitamin.

 

[Rob Flinn]

I have a perfect memory. I can't remember the last time I forgot something.....

 

[Rob Flinn]

The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family....

 

[pucho812]

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods going to bathroom.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?
The rabbit says no.
The bear grabs the rabbit and wipes.

 

[pucho812]

Billy has 4 guitars.
Susie has 1 bass.
What does Susie have that billy does not have?

A: a gig

 

[pucho812]

Name 2 songwriters that changed the ’fabric’ of rock and roll as we know it…

Linen and McCottony

 

[Rob Flinn]

My mate said that he thinks he identifies as a beach.. I said "are you shore ?"