know any jokes?

[evil grill]

When Billy was a small boy he loved pacakes. One time he ate so many his mother became worried so she said:
- If you keep eating so many pancakes your belly's gonne get really really really big.
Some days later Billy and Mom travel by bus and a pregnant woman sits down opposite to them. Billy looks intensly at the woman, who finally says:
- What's on your mind little boy?
and Billy replies:
- I know what you've been doing.

 

[pucho812]

This is a true story
Several years ago at the studio I walked into the tech shop and one of the new hires was reading a gear manual.

Pucho: you are reading the console manual?

New hire: well, we all can’t be reading the classics professor high brow.

 

[Rob Flinn]

Glass coffins, will they be popular ? Remains to be seen !

 

[pucho812]

Another true Hollywood story

to the lady who gave me the middle finger(a rude gesture in America) after I honked at her driving in the grocery store parking lot, you left some groceries on top of your car.

 

[Rob Flinn]

I was in a shop the other day and they had an illunmintaed exit sign over the door was that was flickering.
I mentioned it to the shop assistant who said
"Don't worry it's on the way out"

 

[pucho812]

Measure twic
Ut once.

 

[Rob Flinn]

Caveat: you will probably only get this if you're a Brit.

The joint music festival being put on by the counties of Devon & Cornwall was cancelled today after a row. They couldn't agree whether to put on the Jam or Cream first !

 

[pucho812]

A lady was invited out for a night with the “girls.” She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, she told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When she asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh ****” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[pucho812]

Went into an antique store, I asked them what’s new.

 

[pucho812]

A man walks into a bank.
When he gets to the teller she asks first name?
The man replies Robin
When she asks last name he says da bank.
She responds so your robin the bank?

He says yes, reach for the sky.

 

[pucho812]

A guy died and went to heaven.
When he gets to the pearly gates he sees a row of clocks there, some moving, some not moving. He inquires about the clocks with Saint Peter who says these are lie clocks. Every time you lies the clock moves. When it stops you no longer wait outside you can come in.
The clock right here belonged to mother Teresa, she never lied so she never had to wait.
That clock over there was George Washington’s, he only lied once so he didn’t have to wait long and got in after waiting outside the gates.
Curious the man asks, where is Joe Biden’s clock. St. Peter says Jesus has it in his office and uses it as a ceiling fan.

 

[Brian Roth]

A guy died and went to heaven.
When he gets to the pearly gates he sees a row of clocks there, some moving, some not moving. He inquires about the clocks with Saint Peter who says these are lie clocks. Every time you lies the clock moves. When it stops you no longer wait outside you can come in.
The clock right here belonged to mother Teresa, she never lied so she never had to wait.
That clock over there was George Washington’s, he only lied once so he didn’t have to wait long and got in after waiting outside the gates.
Curious the man asks, where is Joe Biden’s clock. St. Peter says Jesus has it in his office and uses it as a ceiling fan.

Oddly enough, I heard that joke with Trump's name instead of Biden. <g>.

Bri

 

[pucho812]

Oddly enough, I heard that joke with Trump's name instead of Biden. <g>.

Bri

Yes, it’s one of those “insert name here” jokes

 

[Ó Draighnáin]

There really is no need to quibble, both of your presidential candidates are intolerable. Rest assured I would laugh equally, without bias or prejudice, at either version. We all extend out deepest sympathies.

 

[ruffrecords]

A guy died and went to heaven.
When he gets to the pearly gates he sees a row of clocks there, some moving, some not moving. He inquires about the clocks with Saint Peter who says these are lie clocks. Every time you lies the clock moves. When it stops you no longer wait outside you can come in.
The clock right here belonged to mother Teresa, she never lied so she never had to wait.
That clock over there was George Washington’s, he only lied once so he didn’t have to wait long and got in after waiting outside the gates.
Curious the man asks, where is Joe Biden’s clock. St. Peter says Jesus has it in his office and uses it as a ceiling fan.

Change Biden to Sir Kier Starmer and it works over here too.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

Two older gentleman are having a conversation at the pub.
One guy says to the other “I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.”
The other guy asks” which doctor?”
The first guy says “No. A medical doctor, I believe in science not superstition”

 

[pucho812]

The inventor of autocorrect died.
The funeral will be held tomato

 

[Neperdun]

The sound engineer usually says - “if the equalizer needs to be adjusted, it means there is no microphone, or the instrument and the performer need to be replaced...”

 

[Neperdun]

When I worked on television in the late 80s, one lady worked as a sound engineer in our small television center studio, and she was, let’s say... deaf
That is, she could hear a little if you yelled directly into her ear, but nothing more. The most surprising thing is that she was not fired, since she had a little time left until retirement.
She worked as a pilot at night and in fog, that is, using meters.
The small studio broadcast only local news, there were two announcers, each with their own microphone - the director gave her the
"go-ahead" at the beginning of the program, she gave the intro from the tape recorder,
and then she looked on the meterbridge to see which announcer was speaking - she turned on the microphone... and the sound level was visible from the indicator on the remote control. Everything is in order, how to say.
This was such a funny incident, you could submit an application to the Guinness Book of Records, ha ha!

Our people still mocked this topic - what, they say, if only we had a blind cameraman in our studio, for a complete set.........

 

[Gerald Jansen]

A blonde calls her best friend with great news: "I took a pregnancy test!"
To which her friend asks: "So, were they difficult questions?"