know any jokes?

[JohnRoberts]

To figure out who is blind in a nudist colony, it isn't hard.

 

[pucho812]

My dad told me I looked just like him when he was younger. I said, “wow, what happened?” and he said, “you.”

 

[Rob Flinn]

What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency ? It Hertz !

 

[pucho812]

Two older men at sitting outside a cafe having a conversation.
One man says “I took my wife to the Caribbean last month.”
The other man says “Jamaica?”
The first man says “no, she wanted to go”

 

[ruffrecords]

Two older men at sitting outside a cafe having a conversation.
One man says “I took my wife to the Caribbean last month.”
The other man says “Jamaica?”
The first man says “no, she wanted to go”

The old ones are the best. Reminds me of:

Two guys were drinking in the pub. The first guy says "I am thinking of taking my wife to foreign shores."

The second guy says, "What shores?"

The first guy says. "That is very kind. I'll have another pint"

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

A guy goes to the doctor complaining of headaches.the doctor says you have a rare issue where your testicles press on your spine. We can cute the constant headaches by removing your testicles.
The guy agrees.
Weeks after the surgery the man is healed and goes to a custom tailor for a new suit.
The tailor looks him over and goes size 36 pants 39 length?
The guy says that’s right. How did you know.
The tailor says I been at this a long time.
The tailor goes and your shirt? size 42 with a sleeve plenty of 63.
The guy goes amazing.
This continues until they get to the underwear.
The tailor says size 36. The guy refutes and says he has been a size 32 all his adult life there is no way he is a 36.
The tailor goes well, that maybe but you are a size 36. If you were wearing a 32 your testicles would press against your spine.

 

[pucho812]

Two guys meet at a pub every so often as they have been friends for ages.
One guy says “so me and the missus after years are finally going on a holiday”
His friend says “oh yeah? Where are you going?”
First guy says “well, I wanted to surprise her so I said toss this dart at the map of the world. Wherever it lands, we will go on holiday for two weeks.”
His friends says. “Wow, that’s a great idea. I bet she will love it. Where are you going?”
The first guy says “Well based on her throw, we are going behind the couch.”

 

[pucho812]

A women Meets an army general in a bar and after long conversation she asks when was the last time he made love. He says 1956. She goes omg you are due let’s go back to my place.
So they go back to her place and go at it for an hour. When finished she goes well for not having made love since 1956, you sure still know how to go about it.
The general replied I hope so, it’s 2230 now.

 

[pucho812]

A nun walks into a hooters and goes to the bar. As she sits for a second the lights go out and everyone cheers. The lights return and she asks the Barman to use the restroom.
The bartender says ok but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing a fig leaf.
She says ok.
So she goes yo the rest room and as she comes out the crowd cheers.
Perplexed she asks why everyone cheered.
The Barman says it’s because you are one of us.
Confused she goes ok but why did they cheer.
Laughing the barman says when ever someone raises the fig leaf, the lights in the restaurant go out.

 

[fazer]

Tyler Fisher makes fun of all politicians. Very funny if you can take a joke.

 

[pucho812]

There was a Native American who was in an accident leaving him with one testical. The chief of the tribe started to call him one stone. One stone hated and proclaimed that the next person to call him one stone he would kill. They avoided calling him one stone until one day a female named bluebird accidentally called him one stone. He got so mad, he took her into the forest and had intercourse with her until she died from exhaustion. For many years after no one called him one stone until a lady showed up named yellow bird. She was bluebird’s cousin and wanted revenge so she called him one stone. He got so angry that he took her into and attempted to have intercourse with her until she died. This went on for a week but he couldn’t get her to die as you can’t kill two birds with one stone.

 

[Ó Draighnáin]

There was a Native American who was in an accident leaving him with one testical. The chief of the tribe started to call him one stone. One stone hated and proclaimed that the next person to call him one stone he would kill. They avoided calling him one stone until one day a female named bluebird accidentally called him one stone. He got so mad, he took her into the forest and had intercourse with her until she died from exhaustion. For many years after no one called him one stone until a lady showed up named yellow bird. She was bluebird’s cousin and wanted revenge so she called him one stone. He got so angry that he took her into and attempted to have intercourse with her until she died. This went on for a week but he couldn’t get her to die as you can’t kill two birds with one stone.

Groan... Are there no depths you won't stoop to?

 

[pucho812]

Groan... Are there no depths you won't stoop to?

Would you prefer

I have a chess set missing a few pieces.
I guess I need a pawn shop.

 

[Ó Draighnáin]

Reminds me of an old goon show joke.

(Man walking into second hand store) "Do you mind if I take a gander around your shop?"

(Shopkeeper) "No, as long as its house trained".

 

[crazydoc]

Reminds me of:

Blind man comes into store with his seeing-eye dog. Picks up the dog by the tail and starts swinging him overhead.
Clerk comes up and says "Can I help you sir?"

Blind man says "No thanks, I'm just looking around."

 

[pucho812]

Did you know Jimmy Hoffa once went to the maternity ward of a hospital to organize labor

 

[pucho812]

Blond joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says: “Please come over and help me. I have a challenging jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks,

“What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde replies,

“According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When he arrives, he sees puzzle pieces scattered all over the table. He takes a moment to examine the pieces and then looks at her with a smile,

“First of all, no matter how we try, these pieces won’t resemble a rooster. Secondly, let’s not stress about it. How about we have a nice cup of tea and… put all these Corn Flakes back in the box?”

 

[pucho812]

The audiophile sees the electrons flowing in the cables and has given each one a name

 

[Rob Flinn]

I've put up an electric fence around my garden to deter burglers. My neighbours are dead against it.

 

[Walrus]

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos!

Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters...