know any jokes?

[Walrus]

>One night , after the couple had retired for
>the night, the woman became aware that her husband
>was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
>started by running his hand across her shoulders and
>the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
>breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he
>proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
>sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
>other side to a point below her waist. He continued
>on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
>the other. His hand ran further down the outside of
>her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
>inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned
>to do the same to her right thigh.
>
>By this time the woman was becoming aroused
>and she squirmed a little to better position
>herself.The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to
>his side of the bed.
>
>" Why are you stopping darling?" she
>whispered.
>
>He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

 

[john12ax7]

 

[ruffrecords]

We just tried that here in the UK and it made no difference.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

Paid cash for a small purchase of coffee and a danish but used a larger denomination as that’s all I had.
The lady looks it over and marks it with her security thing and claims it counterfeit.
Perplexed I insisted it was not as I had just gotten that 100 dollar bill from the bank. So I take it back in a huff and give her another one of the same denomination.
Again she insists it’s counterfeit.
So I ask her, is there something wrong with you security marker?
She looks and goes “opps I had a black sharpie and not the real marker”

 

[pucho812]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

 

[Brian Roth]

Did you hear the one about 3 conspiracy theorists walking into a bar?

First of all, that can't be a coincidence.

Bri

 

[pucho812]

I don’t mean to brag but cashiers are always checking me out

 

[sahib]

This is from my son.

What is the difference between a dad and a boomerang?


Boomerang comes back.


But he gave me the credit that I am always around.

 

[fazer]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to Julie in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your ******* is doing while you are having an orgasm?’

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies'.
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

 

[pucho812]

Two guys are at a pub having a conversation.

One guy puts a penny on the bar and asks the other guy if he smells that?
The other guy goes smells what?
The guy points to the penny that one cent.

He then asks if the guy has seen any fruit?

The other guy goes what?

The guy puts down a second penny and says there you go. Fruit.

The guy then asks if he has seen any cars tonight?

The other guy goes no.

The guy puts down a third penny and goes see, three Lincolns.

The guy then asks if the other guy has seen any snakes?

The other guy goes no.
The guy puts down a fourth penny and says see 4 copperheads.

the guy getting ready for his next question puts down a 5th.
Before he could say anything the other guy goes have you had any luck with the ladies tonight?
The guy exclaims, not for 5 cents.

 

[JohnRoberts]

Why are wonka's a good name for testicles? Because they're located in between a Willy and a chocolate factory. .

 

[pucho812]

I have heard a similar joke calling it a taint. It taint your willy and it taint your butt hole either.

 

[pucho812]

Got in trouble at work today.
Apparently when asked about what steps to take in the event of a fire, really fecking big ones was not the right answer.

 

[pucho812]

my friend called me with bad news.
After years of medical training and working, he was fired today over one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer do the job he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. He’s genuine nice guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

 

[Ó Draighnáin]

On a Greek island a tourist notices a gloomy looking man sitting by himself staring moodily at the ocean, and he goes up to him to see if he is ok. The gloomy looking man, whose name is Spiro, responds:
Sir,” says Spiro, “You see that bridge over there?” pointing to the old town bridge, “I built that bridge, but do they call me ‘Spiro the Engineer’? Noooo….”
"When Cristos' son fell overboard during the big storm and was drowning, I jumped into the water and rescued him, but do they call me Spiro the lifesaver? Noooo...."
“And you know the church in the square? I designed that Church, but do they call me ‘Spiro the Architect? Nooooo…”
“And the mural on the roof of that church, I painted that myself many years ago, but do they call me ‘Spiro the Artist’? Nooooo…”
“But, I go and f**k one goat….”

 

[pucho812]

A drunk was too close to the window and fell out of the second story and crashed onto the sidewalk. A passerby stops asking him what happened?
He says I don’t know I just got here.

 

[pucho812]

 

[pucho812]

why didn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was too far out man.

 

[pucho812]

I’m aging like a fine banana

 

[pucho812]