know any jokes?

[pucho812]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down The highway, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

[pucho812]

A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought to herself, some asshole has my pen.

 

[Rusan]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down The highway, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

This is a true story, about a friend's cousin who is a state trooper. He was leaving a restaurant after his break one night, and had just got in his cruiser when a speeding car whizzed by. After he'd pulled it over, the driver seemed sad and kept apologizing for his bad judgment in speeding. He told the guy, "I'm in a good mood, and if you can give me an excuse for why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I won't write you a ticket."

He said the guy looked up and said, "My wife had to quit taking birth control pills a while back, and her hormones are all out of whack. She never wants to have sex any more, but she just now told me she was in the mood. That's when I realized we were out of condoms, so I was hurrying to get some before she changed her mind."

He said he was laughing so hard that all he could do was wave the guy on.

 

[pucho812]

Eye doctor to patient: your test result just came back.
Patient to eye doctor: that’s wonderful. Can I see them?
Eye doctor to patient: probably not.

 

[pucho812]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?’

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’

‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’

‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next please!’

 

[scott2000]

 

[scott2000]

Love the new design of the dollar bill

 

[pucho812]

I got two tickets to see the Paul McCartney but just realized I am getting married that weekend and can’t go. If you’re interested in going in my place, it’s at st. Alfonzo’s church and her name is Rebecca.

 

[pucho812]

Breaking news!!!
the latest from the fbI. Once they finish the investigation into the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, they will start to look for jimmy buffet‘s lost shaker of salt.

 

[pucho812]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

 

[pucho812]

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up to fingers to the bar tender ordering 5 beers

 

[JohnRoberts]

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up to fingers to the bar tender ordering 5 beers

perhaps two fingers making a "V" would be roman numeral 5....

JR

 

[pucho812]

perhaps two fingers making a "V" would be roman numeral 5....

JR

Si Señor

 

[JohnRoberts]

And the Romans were probably drinking wine, not beer...

JR

 

[pucho812]

And the Romans were probably drinking wine, not beer...

JR

semantics. Candy is dandy by liquor is quicker

 

[JohnRoberts]

wine is quicker than beer....

JR

 

[pucho812]

wine is quicker than beer....

JR

how does a french lady hold her liquor?
by the ears

 

[JohnRoberts]

how does a french lady hold her liquor?
by the ears

the old jokes are still funny...

JR

 

[PermO]

My doctor told me to stop masturbating.

So I asked her why ?

She told me...

You are in a doctors office, it's not appropriate.

 

[pucho812]

So I recently took some investment money, a decent amount, and purchased a purebred angus bull. It came with show papers and full family tree. The idea being that I can take the bull around and rent it out for breeding services. First farm we took it to, the bull didn't do anything. Second farm we took it to, the same results. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with the bull. I had a vet check it out and he said well, the bull is big but a little young, try giving him this pill every day in his meal. Well sure enough, we get the bull back on the first farm and he serviced every cow there. We get him on the second farm and he services every cow there, breaks through the fence into the neighboring farm and did a repeat. I have no idea what the pill is that the vet gave me to give to my bull but it tastes like mint.