know any jokes?

[Tubetec]

feckin' hell Pucho the snowflakes will have you and me eaten alive ,
a buddy of mine used have a t-shirt back in the old days ,
'Smother me in honey and throw me to the lesbians '

 

[pucho812]

Q: What’s the female version of a cock block?

A: A beaver dam.

 

[ruffrecords]

Anyone remember the mummy mummy jokes?

Mummy, mummy, why must we go to America? Shut up and keep swimming.

Mummy, mummy. Why must I keep going round in circles? Shut up or I'll nail you other foot to the floor.

Mummy, mummy. Why can't I play with grandma? Shut up. You've dug her up three times already.

And there's a whole bunch of Irish jokes but only if Tubetec says its OK to post them.

Cheers

Ian

 

[JohnRoberts]

Anyone remember the mummy mummy jokes?

Mummy, mummy, why must we go to America? Shut up and keep swimming.

Mummy, mummy. Why must I keep going round in circles? Shut up or I'll nail you other foot to the floor.

Mummy, mummy. Why can't I play with grandma? Shut up. You've dug her up three times already.

And there's a whole bunch of Irish jokes but only if Tubetec says its OK to post them.

perhaps rewrite them as generic "insert your least favorite minority" here.... I suspect the Irish are the butts of your childhood humor. They probably tell similar jokes about Brits.

When I was a young puke growing up in Northern NJ the target of our childish insult humor was "Italians", but I have heard different groups targeted in jokes from around the world.

For example "how do you keep flies off the bride at an ###### wedding? Put smelly garbage in the first pew of the church. " (I didn't say it was funny).

Then there is the classic about the ##### scientists who were going to send a rocket up to the sun..... They sent it up at night so it wouldn't burn up.

JR

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

Cheers to the German bride, “goesintight”

 

[pucho812]

The nazi knock knock joke.

Ask someone if they heard your nazi knock knock joke
When they say no, start the joke.
Knock knock.
When they ask who’s there, slap them real hard across the face and say we will ask the questions here.

 

[ruffrecords]

perhaps rewrite them as generic "insert your least favorite minority" here.... I suspect the Irish are the butts of your childhood humor. They probably tell similar jokes about Brits.

When I was a young puke growing up in Northern NJ the target of our childish insult humor was "Italians", but I have heard different groups targeted in jokes from around the world.

For example "how do you keep flies off the bride at an ###### wedding? Put smelly garbage in the first pew of the church. " (I didn't say it was funny).

Then there is the classic about the ##### scientists who were going to send a rocket up to the sun..... They sent it up at night so it wouldn't burn up.

JR

OK, I can do that but there is at least one joke the requires a priori knowledge of the kind of weather experienced in that country but it could equally apply to what many foreigners think of as British weather. But their is another that refers to a specific airline by name which would be hard to generalise.

How do you feel about mother-in--law jokes??

Cheers

Ian

 

[JohnRoberts]

Your mother in law is so fat that she has gravity... (I'm single).

JR

 

[pucho812]

One night I figured I’d let my wife make the first move. She went to florida

 

[JohnRoberts]

A man in a bar walks up to a beautiful woman and asks her if she will have sex with him for one million dollars. She thinks about it for a minute and then answers I guess so. The man says, "good we have determined that you are a prostitute, now we need to negotiate a reasonable price. "
====

I am reminded of this joke when I see all the vote buying going on before the mid term... (not funny).

JR

 

[crazydoc]

I see all the vote buying going on before the mid term...

JR

I guess I'm out of the loop. Where do I sign up?

 

[pucho812]

For the purpose of this joke we will use the two main political parties but they could easily substituted for whatever you wish.

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

 

[JohnRoberts]

I guess I'm out of the loop. Where do I sign up?

You may already be considered as on their team.

This vote buying largess is for undecided young voters (like student loan holders). Don't tell the students that their forgiven loans will be treated as taxable income by those 87k new IRS agents.

govt website don't forget military benefits. military bennies

JR

PS; Pucho... I clicked like before reading it because it is a classic... the old jokes are often still funny

 

[crazydoc]

Thread veer: then I guess it has nothing to do with lobbying, tax benefits, and campaign contributions from corporations and the well-to-do.

govt website don't forget military benefits. military bennies

And it's absurd to think that a government should take care of its protectors, and those unfortunates who can't take care of themselves.

 

[JohnRoberts]

Thread veer: then I guess it has nothing to do with lobbying, tax benefits, and campaign contributions from corporations and the well-to-do.


And it's absurd to think that a government should take care of its protectors, and those unfortunates who can't take care of themselves.

You asked where to sign up... I recalled that you also served in the military.
===

Sorry Pucho... I guess to keep this on topic I should add some jokes about government.

1) Ronald Reagan, said the scariest 10 words in the English language are: "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you."
2)"The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money." ― Margaret Thatcher


JR

 

[AnalogPackrat]

Thread veer: then I guess it has nothing to do with lobbying, tax benefits, and campaign contributions from corporations and the well-to-do.

https://www.opensecrets.org/industries/summary.php?ind=K02++
Undue corporate influence is a big problem on both sides of the aisle.

And it's absurd to think that a government should take care of its protectors, and those unfortunates who can't take care of themselves.

It should care for those who served and those truly in need. But not those too lazy or irresponsible to hold a job and live within their means.

 

[crazydoc]

You asked where to sign up... I recalled that you also served in the military.

JR

My bad - I missed your point.

Undue corporate influence is a big problem on both sides of the aisle.

I agree.

Sorry for the derailment. Onward with the jokes.

A young couple got married and they've never made love before.
On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty.
Finally, he starts to undress.
When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.
So his wife says, “What happened to you?” The man says, “When I was young, I had the kneesles. ” He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed. ” Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?” inquires the wife. “When I was a young boy, I had tolio. ” So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, “Don't tell me. Smallcox, right! ?”

 

[Tubetec]

English,Scot and Irish man were at there final interview to join the SAS. The final task was to prove they could carry out any order without question.The general handed them a gun and told them that behind the three doors were the three men's wives. The order was to go in and shoot their wives.The English man goes in first and after a couple of minutes comes out with tears in his eyes saying he couldn't do it he loved her too much.Next was the Scot who after a couple of minutes comes out saying he couldn't shoot the mother of his children.Last in was the Irish man.There was loud banging heard from the room and after he emerged and said "this damn gun had only blanks in it,I had to strangle her instead"

 

[JohnRoberts]

That reminds me of the joke about the guy who wanted to join the IRA, they told him to blow up a bus, and he burned his lips on the tailpipe.

JR

 

[pucho812]

A German messenger runs to Hitler and says “Mein Fuhrer, Italy has joined the war.”

He replies “Not to worry, send 1 division to defeat them.”

“No mein Fuhrer they have joined our side.”

“Damn, now we will have to send 10 divisions to help them.”