know any jokes?

[JohnRoberts]

A German messenger runs to Hitler and says “Mein Fuhrer, Italy has joined the war.”

He replies “Not to worry, send 1 division to defeat them.”

“No mein Fuhrer they have joined our side.”

“Damn, now we will have to send 10 divisions to help them.”

Not to pile on but there were other WWII jokes, one was about surplus WWII tanks with one speed forward, 4 speeds reverse.... Another joke was about army surplus WWII rifles. Never fired but dropped once.

JR

 

[Tubetec]

The Italian joke was both funny and topical , looks like they may have found a successor to Mussolini over there now.

So we have a conglomeration of countries involved in various wars ,supposedly for the embetterment of humanity , the refugees come flooding in our direction , then we end up voting in far right politicians to clean up the mess , but they end up turning the thumb screws on everyone for a finish .

People escaping poor war torn places have much lower expectations , lower wages and longer working hours , lets face it theres twice the money to be made off ileagals , so above all it suits big business and the rich get even more stinking rich . Yeah its a joke alright , a bad one , where we all end up the butt of it while the war/energy machine rolls on .
The words of Lemmy Kilmister come to mind ,

'Come on baby, eat the rich
Put the bite on the son of a bitch
Don't mess up, don't you give me no switch
Come on baby, and eat the rich
Come on baby, and eat the rich
Come on honey, here's your supper
Come on baby, bite that sucker'

Theme tune from a film by the same name .

 

[ruffrecords]

Did you hear about the American brassiere. One yank and its off.

Cheer

Ian

 

[JohnRoberts]

over the shoulder boulder holders....

 

[pucho812]

The Italian joke was both funny and topical , looks like they may have found a successor to Mussolini over there now.

So we have a conglomeration of countries involved in various wars ,supposedly for the embetterment of humanity , the refugees come flooding in our direction , then we end up voting in far right politicians to clean up the mess , but they end up turning the thumb screws on everyone for a finish .

People escaping poor war torn places have much lower expectations , lower wages and longer working hours , lets face it theres twice the money to be made off ileagals , so above all it suits big business and the rich get even more stinking rich . Yeah its a joke alright , a bad one , where we all end up the butt of it while the war/energy machine rolls on .
The words of Lemmy Kilmister come to mind ,

'Come on baby, eat the rich
Put the bite on the son of a bitch
Don't mess up, don't you give me no switch
Come on baby, and eat the rich
Come on baby, and eat the rich
Come on honey, here's your supper
Come on baby, bite that sucker'

Theme tune from a film by the same name .

If my memory serves me correctly, that is a Motörhead song. I had a night in Hollywood at a Place it’s called the rainbow bar and Grill. Lemmie, lived right around there and was often seen there. So one night we are playing a jam session in their upstairs bar and this attractive woman keeps trying to get up on stage and cause a ruckus. It was evident she had a few drinks. It got to the point the lady was really interrupting the music. I said something to the bartender who proceeded to call lemmie’s house. He tells the person on the other end, “ Hay lemmie, your girl is down here spending all your money”. Less than five minutes later, he shows up and takes her away.

 

[Tubetec]

"There was a magazine in England who said I screwed 2,000 women and I didn't; I said 1,000. When you think about it, it isn't that unreasonable."

I got to see Lemmy live with Motorhead around 15 years back in Dublin , the sound sucked badly and my ears rang for days ,still glad I got to see him though .

 

[scott2000]

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts.....so the driver happily munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver: Why don't you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I have no teeth..
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: "Oh, I just love the chocolates around them."

 

[pucho812]

A ship Captain notices a light in a distance on a collision course with his ship
He turns on his signal lamp and signals “change your course 10 degrees west”
The lights signals back “change your course 10 degrees east”
Annoyed the Captin signals back “I am a U.S. navy Captain, you must change your course.
The light responds “I am a seaman first class, you must change your course”
The Captain is now really angry and signals “I am an aircraft Carrier, I am not changing course”
The light signals back a final message “ I am a lighthouse, your call”

 

[pucho812]

Why do we pronounce it “tamales” but pronounce females completely differently

 

[JohnRoberts]

Why do we pronounce it “tamales” but pronounce females completely differently

because tamales don't care....

JR

 

[pucho812]

more English jokes

 

[pucho812]

At the pub this evening and I’m sitting next to an Asian man.
I turn to him and ask him if he knows king fu, karate, or any other martial arts.
He gets mad and responds “why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?”
I respond “no, it’s because you're drinking my beer”

 

[ruffrecords]

more English jokes

Many years ago I went to a technical seminar. English was not the first language of the speaker and he had great difficulty with words that ended in 'ough' like rough, though, thorough and through. He was speaking to a largely English speaking audience and at on point he got quite irate about it as if it was somehow our fault.

There is a grain of truth in that. England was invaded and ruled by foreigners several times, from the Romans to the Danes and Vikings and finally the Normans. As a result English was influenced by all its invader's languages. Perhaps the greatest influence was the Normans. They spoke French and official documents were all in Latin. The only people who spoke English were the regular folk - the serfs. They had no time for strange verb endings or tenses or declensions and stuff like that. Language had to be simple and effective. Most were illiterate so how words were spelled was irrelvant.

Cheers

Ian

 

[Rob Flinn]

What's the difference between an efficient vacuum cleaner and a randy Swiss Admiral ? One sucks and never fails & the other ....

 

[pucho812]

This is one you can insert any instrument with.

I was given a book on how to play digeridoo. The pages were blank except for the one that said “far far away from me”

 

[pucho812]

The manager at the gym is looking at me like he had never seen someone sit on a weight bench to finish off their hash-browns.

 

[groselicain]

This is one you can insert any instrument with.

I was given a book on how to play digeridoo. The pages were blank except for the one that said “far far away from me”

This so close to a joke I've heard multiple times in Nashville...

"You know the sound of a player with perfect pitch?"
"What's that?"
"The sound of a banjo thrown into the garbage."

I'm torn—on the one hand, I can't believe it's not been told before. On the other, I fight really hard to make sure my intonation is spot-on.... but I get it.

 

[pucho812]

This so close to a joke I've heard multiple times in Nashville...

"You know the sound of a player with perfect pitch?"
"What's that?"
"The sound of a banjo thrown into the garbage."

I'm torn—on the one hand, I can't believe it's not been told before. On the other, I fight really hard to make sure my intonation is spot-on.... but I get it.

Another one you can use that you can basically insert any instrument is a Tom waits quote
“A gentleman is a person who can play the accordion but doesn’t”

 

[crazydoc]

I've heard it as: Perfect pitch is when a banjo hits an accordion in a dumpster.

 

[pucho812]

A bull and a pheasant are in a field. The pheasant remarks to the bull you see that tree over there when I was younger I used to be able to fly all the way to the top and look upon the entire field. The bull tells the pheasant oh come now you still can do that, all you have to do is eat a little bit of my dung every day. The pheasant doesn’t believe him but out of desperation he does it. Sure enough after a whole eating the bulls dung the pheasant makes it to the top. The moment the pheasant is at the top of the tree, a farmer sees the fat Pheasant and pulls out his shotgun shooting the pheasant. The moral of the story is bullshit might get you to the top but it won’t keep you there.