know any jokes?

[ruffrecords]

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist asks how many? Well, says the young ma, I have been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I think tonight's the night. We are having dinner with her parents and then we are going out and I've got a feeling I am gong to get lucky after that so can I get 10?

Later that evening he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says you never told me that you were such a religious person. The boy leans over to her and whispers, you never told me your father was a pharmacist.

Cheers

ian

 

[Tubetec]

Have a look at the profit margins off big pharma if you didnt get the joke ,

 

[pucho812]

A teacher is in class and asks the question “class can you name something that gets 10x bigger when excited?”
Little Mary protests the question saying the teacher should not be asking such a question to 6th graders, it’s an inappropriate topic.
Little Johnny then raises his hand. He nerviously says I know the answer. It’s your pupils.
The teacher exclaims that’s correct.
Then she says Mary you have a dirty mind and if you think that’s how it works you are going to be disappointed.

 

[pucho812]

Two buzzards see a lawyer pass out and die from heat while out in the desert.
As they get ready to feast, one say to the other I can’t eat this. I can’t anything with a soul. The second buzzard goes don’t worry he was a lawyer.

 

[pucho812]

When I was younger I lived in a house boat and I dated the women who lived next door.
We had to break up as we drifted apart.

 

[user 37518]

Thought this was the place to post this:

Duck walks into pub, drinks pint, fights dog, loses

 

[pucho812]

Rage against the machine never said which machine we were supposed to rage against but I suspect it was a printer.

 

[ruffrecords]

I have been trying to learn to fly a drone but it is way above my head.

Cheers

ian

 

[living sounds]

Thought this was the place to post this:

Duck walks into pub, drinks pint, fights dog, loses

And I thought stuff like that only happened on TV.

HYpZ2eY

 

[pucho812]

The older I get the more regret I have for people I lost over the years. Maybe being a trail guide wasn’t such a great idea after all

 

[pucho812]

A teenage child comes home and confesses to her parents that her monthly hasn’t happened in 2 months.

The mother and her go to the doctor and confirm she is pregnant.
The dad is livid and demands to know who did this, that he will kill him.
The daughter calls the person who knocked her up.
When the guy gets there, a middle aged gentleman shows up and greets the parents.

After some argument with the dad, the gentleman explains how he is very wealthy. If his daughter has a boy, he will give him 2 mansions and a million dollars. If his daughter has a girl, he will give her a few factories and 2 million dollars. If there are twins, then she will get 4 million dollars.
If there is a miscarriage, the dad interrupts him and says then we will try try again.

 

[pucho812]

I went fishing with Salvador Dali last night. He used a dotted line and caught every other fish.

 

[ruffrecords]

Air traffic controller after dinner speech:



Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

A man is at home playing his guitar.
In a fit of inspiration, he cranks it up really loud.
After playing for a few minutes he hears a banging at his door.
He opens the door and a lady wearing coveralls holding a tool case is standing there. She says “I’m here to tune your guitar.”
The man scoffs, “I didn’t call a guitar tech!!”
The lady says “ I know, your neighbors did!”

 

[pucho812]

My buddy who is a comedian often started his set with the following.

“How goes a blind guy know when he is done wiping his ass?”

 

[pucho812]

Overheard this while on a work trip.
Was sitting outside having an evening coffee at a coffee shop.
The guy at the table next to me dialed his cell phone and had it on speaker.

Guy: hi. Is this the helpline for alcoholics?
Voice on other end: yes. This is Victoria how can we help you?
Guy: cool, how do you make a mojito?

 

[user 37518]

Pupil: Great Master, my wish is to live for 100 years. What should I do?

Master: Get married.

Pupil: And will I live for 100 years if I do that?

Master: No, but the wish will disappear.

 

[pucho812]

I wonder if Marie curie’s husband told her how radiant she looked?

 

[scott2000]

Two burglars broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. Now the police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

 

[ruffrecords]

An atom walks into a bar.
Atom: "I lost an electron today"
Barman: "Are you sure"
Atom: "I'm positive"

Cheers

Ian