know any jokes?

[ruffrecords]

A daughter texts her dad. “Dad I am in trouble, I got a flat tire.”
The dad responds “did you call your husband?”
The daughter says “I called him, but he is busy and can’t come.

The dad “says ok. Have you got a spare?”

The daughter responds “yes but he is busy too.”

Real life can be even funnier. Years ago when I first retired to the seaside, my middle daughter was away at university a couple of hundred miles away. One day she went shopping and when she got back to the car it would not start. So she phoned me! I said the usual stuff; get your boyfriend, get the AA, get the bus but she definitely seemed to think I should come out and help her. I had to explain that 200 miles was just a little too far. Fortunately she went back to the car and this time it started. It's nice to be wanted as a Dad but sometimes......

Cheers

Ian

 

[ruffrecords]

The world's first pig ear transplant patient said one ear works fine but he gets a bit of crackling in the other.

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

A young adult is at the doctor and after his exam the doctor says I don’t know how to say this so I will be blunt, you have 2 weeks to live.

The young adult is horrified “ Dr., that is pretty cold blooded. Is there anything I can do?”

The doctor tells him “yes take three to four mud baths a day”

The young adult puzzled asks “will that keep me from dying?”

The doctor says “no, but it will get used to the dirt”

 

[pucho812]

My girlfriend found out I was cheating
She found all the letters I was hiding
She got real mad and do I don’t think she will be play scrabble with me anymore

 

[pucho812]

In a local headline
A suspect has been stealing wheels off of police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch the suspect.

 

[pucho812]

What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

a shoe

 

[pucho812]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the
young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the
boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is
sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter,
gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a
word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney.'

 

[pucho812]

Do you know the price of a chimney these days?

They’re through the roof.

 

[JohnRoberts]

they're...

 

[pucho812]

two men are at the bar talking.
One man is distraught that his wife has another man in her life.
He is asked oh is she cheating on you?
He says ever since she started driving she’s had 2 men in her life, a body and fender guy and himself.

 

[ruffrecords]

Two software engineers meet up again after Covid. The first one says,"Hi, John! Long time no see"
The other replies "Hiya"
The first says," I hear you quit coding and became a farmer"
The other replies, "Yeah, long time no C"

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people of Dubai did not watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dubai do.

 

[pucho812]

I invented a new word, plagiarism.

 

[pucho812]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

 

[pucho812]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.


Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)
H – “Hello?”
W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
H – “Yes.”
W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
H – “What’s the price?”
W – “Only $1,000.”
H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”
W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2023 models. I saw one I really liked. It’s an SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year.”
H – “What price did he quote you?”
W – “Only $165,000.”
H – “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else.”
H – “What would you like?”
W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of land, and beachfront property.”
H – “How much are they asking?”
W – “Only $1,450,000 – a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover.”
H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $1,420,000. OK?”
W – “OK, sweetie, Thanks! I’ll see you later!! You’re the best husband in the world. I love you!!!”
H – “Bye, I love you too” The man hangs up the phone.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, “Does anyone know who this Cell phone belongs to?”

 

[pucho812]

A July 4th joke.


He who drinks a 5th on the 4th, may not be able to go fourth on the 5th.

 

[pucho812]

Went and purchased a sweater at the local clothing store
When the machine declined my charge card they ask for my cardigan

 

[pucho812]

True argument between a couple I heard today.
Lady: what? A burger? You shouldn’t eat that.
Man: don’t worry baby, it’s plant based.
Lady: oh, ok. Which plant?
Man: the meat processing plant.

 

[Rob Flinn]

My mate has just passed away in prison,he was convicted of arson ,he was a lovely bloke to know,he lit up every room he went in !

 

[pucho812]

A married couple is conversing at the breakfast table.
The wife said she slept so well last night that she dreamt that she was shopping with an unlimited credit card.
The husband said he slept well too, that he had a dream he was in bed with 3 females.
The wife asked if she was one of the females.
The husband said no, you were shopping.