pucho812
Well-known member
Can’t be mad at lazy people, they didn’t do anything
know any jokes?
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pucho812
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AnalogPackrat
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A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.
He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.
About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.
"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"
"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies.
The man thanks and pays her. As she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari."
He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.
About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.
"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"
"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies.
The man thanks and pays her. As she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari."
pucho812
Well-known member
Prank phone calls set off the child in me.
The fact the guy calling pronounces dvd as a word and so on is quite funny to me.
The fact the guy calling pronounces dvd as a word and so on is quite funny to me.
A carpenter & a hairdresser were fighting in the street. They were at it hammer & tongs...
Winston OBoogie
Well-known member
...
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![Electronics Soldering Iron Kit, [Upgraded] Soldering Iron 110V 90W LCD Digital Portable Soldering Kit 180-480℃(356-896℉), Welding Tool with ON/OFF Switch, Auto-sleep, Thermostatic Design](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41gRDnlyfJS._SL500_.jpg)
pucho812
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pucho812
Well-known member
Bob and Dave are at Dave’s house paying cards. Bob drops cards on the floor and when he goes to pick them up he sees Dave’s wife is not wearing any nickers. A few minutes later Bob and Dave’s wife are in the kitchen and she asks Bob if he saw anything liked. Bob said yes. Daves wife said ok come by the house Friday at 2, Dave will be golfing then. Bring 500 bucks and we will have a good time.
So Friday rolls around and Bob and Dave’s wife meet up. A few hours after, Dave comes home and asks his wife, was Bob here this afternoon? She says yes. Dave continues to ask about Bob and each question his wife gets more and more nervous. Finally dave asks if Bob gave her 500 dollars. She panics and says yes but it didn’t mean anything to me. Dave goes well yes it shouldn’t see Bob was at the club earlier and he borrowed 500 dollars from me, said he would stop by in the afternoon and leave it at the house as I would be golfing.
So Friday rolls around and Bob and Dave’s wife meet up. A few hours after, Dave comes home and asks his wife, was Bob here this afternoon? She says yes. Dave continues to ask about Bob and each question his wife gets more and more nervous. Finally dave asks if Bob gave her 500 dollars. She panics and says yes but it didn’t mean anything to me. Dave goes well yes it shouldn’t see Bob was at the club earlier and he borrowed 500 dollars from me, said he would stop by in the afternoon and leave it at the house as I would be golfing.
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Ben and Jerry, two communists, are having a beer together.
Ben asks Jerry "If you have two houses, and I have none, you'd give one to me?" Jerry answers "why, sure, Ben". But you know I don't have two houses.
So Ben asks Jerry "If you have two cars, you'd give one to me?" Jerry saids "why, sure, Ben".
So Ben asks Jerry "If you have two chickens, you'd give one to me?" Upon which Jerry replies "Well, no, Ben".
Ben asks "Why not?"
Jerry replies, "well, I have two chickens..."
Ben asks Jerry "If you have two houses, and I have none, you'd give one to me?" Jerry answers "why, sure, Ben". But you know I don't have two houses.
So Ben asks Jerry "If you have two cars, you'd give one to me?" Jerry saids "why, sure, Ben".
So Ben asks Jerry "If you have two chickens, you'd give one to me?" Upon which Jerry replies "Well, no, Ben".
Ben asks "Why not?"
Jerry replies, "well, I have two chickens..."
What did the resistor say to the Tibetan Monk?
"Ohmmmmm"
"Ohmmmmm"
pucho812
Well-known member
prank phone calls bring out the child in me and make me laugh.
Walrus
Well-known member
Like the bloke who locked his keys in his car. He was standing by his
car, cursing and swearing, when up strolls a genuine Boy Scout, hat,
woggle, the lot. "I can help you, mister" says the lad. "Go ahead" says
the bloke.
The Boy Scout stands against the car, rubs his bum up and down against
the drivers' door a couple of times, the latch pops up and he opens the
door. "How'd do you that?" asks the car driver. "Simple", says the lad,
"these are khaki shorts"
car, cursing and swearing, when up strolls a genuine Boy Scout, hat,
woggle, the lot. "I can help you, mister" says the lad. "Go ahead" says
the bloke.
The Boy Scout stands against the car, rubs his bum up and down against
the drivers' door a couple of times, the latch pops up and he opens the
door. "How'd do you that?" asks the car driver. "Simple", says the lad,
"these are khaki shorts"
pucho812
Well-known member
One of the 3 letter government agencies had an opening for an assassin. After rounds of tests both mental and physical they narrowed the candidates down to 3 and gave them one final test.
Each candidate was pulled aside and said behind this door is your wife, you must eliminate her.
The first candidate went in and came out right away. He was crying and said he couldn’t do it.
The second candidate went in and after 5 minutes he comes out crying saying he can’t shoot his beloved.
The third candidate goes in and right away shots are fired. This is followed by a bunch of banging, movement of people having a fight and a few curse words. After a few minutes he comes out the room and says “some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangler her”
Each candidate was pulled aside and said behind this door is your wife, you must eliminate her.
The first candidate went in and came out right away. He was crying and said he couldn’t do it.
The second candidate went in and after 5 minutes he comes out crying saying he can’t shoot his beloved.
The third candidate goes in and right away shots are fired. This is followed by a bunch of banging, movement of people having a fight and a few curse words. After a few minutes he comes out the room and says “some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangler her”
pucho812
Well-known member
2 prostitutes are driving around in a car with a big sign that says 2 prostitutes 50 dollars.
They get pulled over by the police and are told either remove the sign or get arrested for prostitution. While they being told their options another car drives by with a big sign that says jesus saves. They ask why that car is not getting stopped and police say it’s because that is religion and protected where prostitution is illegal.
The next day the same police officer sees the girls driving with a big sign. He thinks he has an easy arrest until he pulls up and reads their sign, 2 fallen angels need to see Peter 50 dollars
They get pulled over by the police and are told either remove the sign or get arrested for prostitution. While they being told their options another car drives by with a big sign that says jesus saves. They ask why that car is not getting stopped and police say it’s because that is religion and protected where prostitution is illegal.
The next day the same police officer sees the girls driving with a big sign. He thinks he has an easy arrest until he pulls up and reads their sign, 2 fallen angels need to see Peter 50 dollars
Why did the Australian Chefs dessert blow up in his face............because it was a Boom Merangue.
pucho812
Well-known member
Was at a coffee shop and they had a sign “ No WIFI, pretend like it’s 1975.” So I gave them a dime for the coffee and then lit up a smoke.
pucho812
Well-known member
A dad buys a lie detector that will slap you if you lie.
At dinner he is testing it out and asks his son what he did after school.
The sons says he did homework.
The lie detector slaps him.
The son confesses that he was at a friends house watching an adult movie.
The father says at your age I didn’t know what adult movies were.
The lie detector slaps the dad.
His mom laughing at the two and says well he certainly is your son.
The lie detector slaps the mom.
At dinner he is testing it out and asks his son what he did after school.
The sons says he did homework.
The lie detector slaps him.
The son confesses that he was at a friends house watching an adult movie.
The father says at your age I didn’t know what adult movies were.
The lie detector slaps the dad.
His mom laughing at the two and says well he certainly is your son.
The lie detector slaps the mom.
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pucho812
Well-known member
A bunch of 1st grade students are in class on the first day of school. The teacher is explaining how they are in 1st grade, they will no longer use baby words, they have to use big words.
The teacher asks the students what they did over the summer.
One students raises his hand and said he visited his Nona and Nono. The teacher corrects him and says you visited your grandmother and grandfather.
The next student raises his hand and says I read books all summer. The teacher gets excited and asks what was the title of last book you read?
The student says Winnie the shit in the 100 acre woods
The teacher asks the students what they did over the summer.
One students raises his hand and said he visited his Nona and Nono. The teacher corrects him and says you visited your grandmother and grandfather.
The next student raises his hand and says I read books all summer. The teacher gets excited and asks what was the title of last book you read?
The student says Winnie the shit in the 100 acre woods
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pucho812
Well-known member
Overheard this last night while out.
A guy talking to a girl said his “insert nickname for male anatomy” was in the Guinness book of world records. This lasted until the librarian made him take it out.
A guy talking to a girl said his “insert nickname for male anatomy” was in the Guinness book of world records. This lasted until the librarian made him take it out.
Ok... here goes (more long nights with the new daughter = more time to make up sh#t jokes!):
What happened to the eggs and milk after they were arrested for murder....?
They were taken into Custardy...
*ducks empty pint glasses hurled at stage*
What happened to the eggs and milk after they were arrested for murder....?
They were taken into Custardy...
*ducks empty pint glasses hurled at stage*
