know any jokes?
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pucho812
Well-known member
true story
A musical patron once asked Mozart " herr Mozart I am thinking about writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions on how to get started?"
Mozart replied "A symphony is a complex musical form. perhaps you should start off writing a simple lieder and work your way up to writing a symphony."
The musical patron responded " But herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old"
Mozart replied "Yes, but I never asked anybody how."
A musical patron once asked Mozart " herr Mozart I am thinking about writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions on how to get started?"
Mozart replied "A symphony is a complex musical form. perhaps you should start off writing a simple lieder and work your way up to writing a symphony."
The musical patron responded " But herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old"
Mozart replied "Yes, but I never asked anybody how."
pucho812
Well-known member
My wife is using the word mansplaining incorrectly and I don’t know what to do about it
pucho812
Well-known member
A guy gets on a plane with 6 kids. After getting everyone seated. The man sits in his seat and a lady next to him asks “are all those kids yours?” He replies “no, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.
pucho812
Well-known member
Martin is coming up on his 95th birthday. All his friends think hard on what to get him. Decision is made. “Let’s get him a hooker”. Martin’s birthday arrives. There’s a knock on his front door. Martin opens the door and there stands a magnificent looking woman. “What are you here for?” Martin asks. The hooker replies “I’m here to give you some super sex”. Martin thinks for a second. “I’ll take the soup”.
A young school kid kneeling by his bed at night praying to god, asks god "why does he allow so much violence in schools?".
God responds, "sorry I'm not allowed in schools any more".
JR
God responds, "sorry I'm not allowed in schools any more".
JR
ruffrecords
Well-known member
I have not been in school for several decades so do not know from first hand experience. I saw a poll statistic recently about the falling fraction of the population who self identify as christian, while that is not the only religion. The first amendment (freedom of speech) is generally interpreted to separate church and state, while religious freedom is a founding principal of our nation.
Modern school curriculum is a contentious topic these days (not because of religion), but not very funny either. Because of the Covid school closings and zoom classes, parents were actually able to see what the teachers were telling students. Some parents got so upset with what they were seeing that they complained at school board meetings.
web article
www said:
After this became public the NSBA withdrew their letter, for obvious reasons.
I apologize, this situation is clearly not funny, and many parents take their children's education seriously.
JR
ruffrecords
Well-known member
When I was at school in the 50s and 60s we had assembly first thing every day where we sang a hymn, said a couple of prayers, had a bible reading plus school notices. In senior school we also had a once a week religious education or religious knowledge lesson. It was much the same for my own kids, and my eldest, who is herself a primary school teacher still takes assembly most days. Her daughter is at senior school and they still have a weekly religious education lesson.
Cheers
IAn
Cheers
IAn
Sorry about the veer...
JR
JR
crazydoc
Well-known member
There are religious private schools, but classes promoting a particular religion, rather than academic courses from a neutral perspective, are not supposed to be taught in public K-12 schools as far as I know. Of course, when I was in grade school they inserted that odious phrase into the pledge of allegiance to the country, which everybody was required to recite in unison each morning at the start of the day, and at school events.
I was suspended in high school for refusing to stand and say it (not for religious reasons) during an "assembly". I suppose it fits in this thread because to me that recitation is a joke, though not funny.
I was suspended in high school for refusing to stand and say it (not for religious reasons) during an "assembly". I suppose it fits in this thread because to me that recitation is a joke, though not funny.
"in God we trust, all others pay cash."
JR
JR
pucho812
Well-known member
we could venture into religious jokes.
Maybe I said this one already maybe not.
Q: What did jesus say to peter when he was on the cross?
A: hey I can see your house from here.
Maybe I said this one already maybe not.
Q: What did jesus say to peter when he was on the cross?
A: hey I can see your house from here.
pucho812
Well-known member
pucho812
Well-known member
the long joke…. Happy new year.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
midwayfair
Well-known member
So did you hear Ms. Murphy was taking French cooking lessons? And she told Murphy, "I want you to go away downtown and buy a nice baguette of French bread, a good bottle of wine (the kind with the cork in it, not the screw on cap like you normally get), and some escargot, and I want you back here at 5:00 because I want dinner on the table by 6."
Murphy looked at the clock and saw that it was 4:00 so he rushed off downtown and bought a skinny loaf of french bread, a bottle of wine, and some big old juicy snails, and started heading home, but poor old Murphy suffered from an awful Irish ailment: alcoholic constipation -- he couldn't pass a bar room.
So he goes inside, and the first one he sees is his friend O'Brien. And O'Brien says, "How's the wife?" And Murphy says, "Ah, she's an angel." And O'Brien says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive." They order a few drinks and O'Brien says, "So did you hear the Americans have sent another crew to the space station?" And Murphy says, "That's nothing, Ireland has a space program. We're sending a man to the sun." "Don't be ridiculous," O'Brien says, "if a spaceship ever got within a million miles of the sun, it would burn up, evaporate and disappear." And Murphy says, "Aha, we're sending it up at night."
Murphy overhears a couple fellas at the bar he doesn't recognize, and he's local, and he's very curious, and he decides to listen in.
1: Oh you have a lovely accent, where're you from?
2: I'm from Ireland!
1: I'm from Ireland, too. Let me buy you a point of Guinness.
So he buys him one.
2: So, uh, where in Ireland are you from?
1: I'm from County Cork.
2: I'm from County Cork, too! Let me buy you a pint of Guinness.
So he buys him one.
1: So where in County Cork are you from?
2: Why, I'm from Cork City.
1: That's amazing, I was born in Cork City meself, let me buy you a Bushmill's whisky.
So he buys him one.
2: Well, where in Cork City are you from?
1: I'm from Grand Street.
2: That is absolutely astounding, I was born and raised in Grand Street meself, let me buy you a Bushmill's.
So there they are buying each other Bushmills and Guinnesses, clapping each other on the back, and Murphy turns to the bartender and says, "What the hell's going on here?" And the bartender says, "Ah, it's just the Shaughnessy twins, they're drunk again."
Well, Murphy has a few Bushmills and Guinnesses himself, and decides to head home. And he looks at the clock and sees that it's 10:00 at night! Panic stricken, he was supposed to be home five hours ago!
So he rushes off, and on the way home he sees a man tinkering under the hood of his car. "What's the problem?" The man replies, "Piston broke." "Yeah," Murphy says, "me too."
Murphy's most of the way home, and he's passing the church and decides to make a quick stop. And the priest is inside, and he sees Murphy throw open the doors, fall into the aisle, crawl to a confessional and collapse, and thinks the young man might be in need of some spiritual assistance. So he goes into the confessional, pulls back the little window (remember?), and says, "May I help you my son?" And Murphy says, "Yeah, have you got any paper on your side?"
Well, Murphy gets out of there in one piece, and he's just about to turn the corner to his home, when he peeks around and sees the wife on the doorstep with the arms folded and the foot tapping, and he says, "Oh my god, she's going to kill me. What am I going to do?"
And he gets a great idea! He takes the bag of snails, and dumps them on the ground in front of them, and starts walking behind them, yelling, "Come on lads, we're almost there!"
(I learned this from Seamus Kennedy about 20 years ago.)
Murphy looked at the clock and saw that it was 4:00 so he rushed off downtown and bought a skinny loaf of french bread, a bottle of wine, and some big old juicy snails, and started heading home, but poor old Murphy suffered from an awful Irish ailment: alcoholic constipation -- he couldn't pass a bar room.
So he goes inside, and the first one he sees is his friend O'Brien. And O'Brien says, "How's the wife?" And Murphy says, "Ah, she's an angel." And O'Brien says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive." They order a few drinks and O'Brien says, "So did you hear the Americans have sent another crew to the space station?" And Murphy says, "That's nothing, Ireland has a space program. We're sending a man to the sun." "Don't be ridiculous," O'Brien says, "if a spaceship ever got within a million miles of the sun, it would burn up, evaporate and disappear." And Murphy says, "Aha, we're sending it up at night."
Murphy overhears a couple fellas at the bar he doesn't recognize, and he's local, and he's very curious, and he decides to listen in.
1: Oh you have a lovely accent, where're you from?
2: I'm from Ireland!
1: I'm from Ireland, too. Let me buy you a point of Guinness.
So he buys him one.
2: So, uh, where in Ireland are you from?
1: I'm from County Cork.
2: I'm from County Cork, too! Let me buy you a pint of Guinness.
So he buys him one.
1: So where in County Cork are you from?
2: Why, I'm from Cork City.
1: That's amazing, I was born in Cork City meself, let me buy you a Bushmill's whisky.
So he buys him one.
2: Well, where in Cork City are you from?
1: I'm from Grand Street.
2: That is absolutely astounding, I was born and raised in Grand Street meself, let me buy you a Bushmill's.
So there they are buying each other Bushmills and Guinnesses, clapping each other on the back, and Murphy turns to the bartender and says, "What the hell's going on here?" And the bartender says, "Ah, it's just the Shaughnessy twins, they're drunk again."
Well, Murphy has a few Bushmills and Guinnesses himself, and decides to head home. And he looks at the clock and sees that it's 10:00 at night! Panic stricken, he was supposed to be home five hours ago!
So he rushes off, and on the way home he sees a man tinkering under the hood of his car. "What's the problem?" The man replies, "Piston broke." "Yeah," Murphy says, "me too."
Murphy's most of the way home, and he's passing the church and decides to make a quick stop. And the priest is inside, and he sees Murphy throw open the doors, fall into the aisle, crawl to a confessional and collapse, and thinks the young man might be in need of some spiritual assistance. So he goes into the confessional, pulls back the little window (remember?), and says, "May I help you my son?" And Murphy says, "Yeah, have you got any paper on your side?"
Well, Murphy gets out of there in one piece, and he's just about to turn the corner to his home, when he peeks around and sees the wife on the doorstep with the arms folded and the foot tapping, and he says, "Oh my god, she's going to kill me. What am I going to do?"
And he gets a great idea! He takes the bag of snails, and dumps them on the ground in front of them, and starts walking behind them, yelling, "Come on lads, we're almost there!"
(I learned this from Seamus Kennedy about 20 years ago.)
ruffrecords
Well-known member
Not exactly a joke but I found it funny.
An old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM. The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”. The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow? The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed $3000 very friendly and with a smile to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account. The moral of this story is.... Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.
Cheers
Ian
An old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM. The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”. The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow? The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed $3000 very friendly and with a smile to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account. The moral of this story is.... Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.
Cheers
Ian
pucho812
Well-known member
Do not eat aluminum or else you will sheet metal.
Caveat lector- this joke may not be funny to many..
The teacher's union is following climate "science" to remove CO2 from the atmosphere by making school kids wear masks all day long. That way the CO2 gets dissolved into their bloodstream instead of exhaled into the atmosphere.
I am unsure this will help much....
JR
The teacher's union is following climate "science" to remove CO2 from the atmosphere by making school kids wear masks all day long. That way the CO2 gets dissolved into their bloodstream instead of exhaled into the atmosphere.
I am unsure this will help much....
JR
