know any jokes?

[pucho812]

"I hate the theater" - Abraham Lincoln

 

[pucho812]

Was out at my girlfriend’s house when I saw a vampire. So I stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake to protect my girl.

She responded with oh my god.

Out of nowhere a zombie popes up on her door step. I beat it with a shovel until it stopped moving.

Again she said oh my god.

So I said what, I saved you from a vampire and a zombie.

She responded with your supposed to be handing them candy.

 

[pucho812]

I know I am ugly. On Halloween when I open the door kids give me candy.

 

[pucho812]

I man goes to a brothel and when he gets to the door he sees the following sign.

"Beat it, we're closed"

 

[pucho812]

Why is it when you show up to donate a kidney, they won’t let you donate. Instead they are asking you all kinds of questions like, where did you get these five kidneys?

 

[pucho812]

To the person who invented the zero, thanks for nothing.

 

[Rob Flinn]

I just phoned the incontinence hot line. The operator are the other end asked me to hold ....

 

[pucho812]

Coming tomorrow.

 

[pucho812]

I was roll playing with my girlfriend the other night. Being a bad boy I told her to punish me.
She said “ hey siri play taylor swift”

 

[pucho812]

It’s Election Day. I hear it’s going to get crazy but for the love of good whatever happens please do not horde the bog roll/toilet paper.

 

[snakecained2]

LOL

 

[pucho812]

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because P is silent.

 

[Rob Flinn]

I got my wife a pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes & rolls of fat the dog seems to like her.

 

[JohnRoberts]

Political humor is maybe funny to only half the population.

JR

 

[john12ax7]

Political humor is maybe funny to only half the population.

It's funny to the half with a sense of humor

 

[pucho812]

I got assaulted by a mime on the way home. He did unspeakable things to me.

 

[pucho812]

So I was having a talk with my Girlfriend and she called me a sex machine. Her exact words were "fucking tool" but hey sex machine sounds better.

 

[pucho812]

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

 

[Brian Roth]

Pucho.........UGH! lol

Bri

 

[pucho812]

3 guys are in a steam room. After a few moments one guy hears a beep and starts to yanks out his phone. He proceeds to send a txt and explain that his phone is so advanced that he can have it in a steam room and is protected from the moisture. A few minutes go by and a phone rings. A second guy starts to talk into his wrist. When finished he proclaims his watch is more advanced then the phone that he can receive phone calls on his watch. Feeling left out the third guy goes to the bathroom and when returning the two guys notice that he has some toilet paper stuck to his butt. The third guy says, oh I must be getting a fax.