know any jokes?

[pucho812]

Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

 

[pucho812]

they say if you can’t sleep it means you are awake in a dream that someone else is having. When I find you, I am going to punch you in the face.

 

[pucho812]

Unlike the brain, the stomach lets you know when it is empty

 

[scott2000]

what's the prize for growing old?
Atrophy

 

[Rob Flinn]

I just had a physical.

The Dr said "don't eat any thing fatty"

I said " what like bacon and burgers"

He said "no fatty, I mean don't eat anything"

 

[Rob Flinn]

My wife accused me of being a transvestite, so I packed her clothes and left.

 

[pucho812]

Mark wasn’t a bright boy in school. In fact his teacher miss Roberts told his mom he was dumb. His mom was so offended she transferred him to a new school and he eventually graduated.

Decades later miss Roberts needed a special surgery for her heart at the hospital mark was at. A risky procedure she had her operation and it was a success.

As she lay in the recovery room, she turned pale and died. This was because mark her former student and head janitor unplugged her breathing machine to charge his cell phone.

 

[Brian Roth]

@pucho812 ....that sounds like a scene from the movie "Idiocracy"! lol

Bri

 

[pucho812]

Two gentleman are at a social club.
One guy asks the other guy, do you know where I could get a toupee?
The other guys says, not off the top of my head.

 

[pucho812]

What if lollipops moaned when we lick them?

 

[ruffrecords]

Very current affairs UK joke:

Anyway - In other news, the famous Dr. Spooner has met with some UK farmers & when he read their banners which were worded .."Stuck Farmer" He read it out loud & of course it started with an F...Great they said , you totally agree with us Dr. Spooner !!

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

Dear ladies when you meet a good guy the first thing he will look at is your heart. It just so happens your ****s are in the way

 

[Rob Flinn]

I went to the Doctors today & he told me to keep an eye on my blood pressure.

Now my wife keeps asking why I am staring at her constantly....

 

[daschnoz]

Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

 

[pucho812]

An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: "Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son?" His wife smiles and says: "I swear to you, he is your son". The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: "thank god he didn't ask about the first 2".

 

[pucho812]

So my buddy went to college and got a degree in Egyptology. After college when he couldn’t find work, he went to graduate school and got their PhD in Egyptology. He then found a job teaching other people about Egyptology. In his case college was literally pyramid scheme.

 

[pucho812]

My therapist told me I was preoccupied with revenge. They’re gonna regret that.

 

[pucho812]

Why is it called a urinal cake and not a piscuit?

 

[fazer]

Sticking with Diet Coke since I’m an alcoholic in recovery. I’d like to drink some beers but I’m allergic…I break out in handcuffs

 

[pucho812]

A friendly reminder that just about every hand you’ve ever shook has held a weiner at least once.