know any jokes?

[pucho812]

My buddy is orthodox Jewish. At a lunch meeting he professed how he doesn’t know what to do about his son. He is failing math. If this continues the Jewish school will have to hold him back.
I suggested that maybe he needs to transfer, that a mutual friend of ours has a daughter at catholic school close to the school his kid goes to. He says that if his kid went to catholic school he would be shunned by the community. So I made the suggestion maybe he should get some tutoring and that our mutual friend swears the math teacher at the catholic school is top notch. So he makes a few phone calls and gets his kid tutoring from the math teacher at the Catholic school.
Sure enough there is an improvement in grades and by the end of the semester he has an A+ in math. My friend was overjoyed and had a big dinner for everyone. At dinner, He inquires with his son how did you improve so well in math? Was it the tutoring? Was it the teacher? His kid replies, well it’s like this I walked into the classroom the first day and I saw a guy nailed to a + sign and I knew they mean business.

 

[fazer]

Roses are reddish. Violets are blueish. If it wasn’t for Christmas, we’d all be Jewish.

 

[pucho812]

heard this one over the weekend. lets see if I screw this one up.

A lady was driving through an Indian reservation when she suddenly had car trouble. She pulled over and was stuck. After an hour or so an Indian chief comes ridding up on a horse. She flags him down and asks for help. He stops and offers her a ride on his horse to the gas station to talk with a mechanic and get the car towed for repair. She hops on the horse holds on tight to his saddle horn and they talk off. the entire time he is yelling "Yahoo!, Yahoo!" So they get to the mechanic and he leaves. She is telling the whole story to the mechanic about the car and how the chief came along on horse back, how she had to hold his saddle horn real tight to keep from falling off, but was puzzled why he kept yeiling "Yahoo!" as they rode. The mechanic goes "Lady, Indians ride bareback"

 

[ruffrecords]

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

A guy is out drinking with his friends. He has so much to drink that he gets sick and ruins his shirt. He gets into a a panic because his wife will be mad, that she had just purchased the shirt for him. So his friend says take 10 dollars and put it in your pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that a stranger had too much to drink, vomited on your shirt, and gave you 10 dollars to get the shirt cleaned. The man thinks it's a great idea. He gets home and wakes his wife telling her the whole story that was concocted about a stranger, too much to drink and the stranger getting sick on his shirt. He pulls out the money to show his wife. His wife sees the money and proclaims that it is 20 dollars. The man then exclaims " he also shat in my pants too"

 

[JohnRoberts]

The CB handle for that 40 mile long Russian military convoy in Ukraine is "Sitting Ducky"...

 

[Rybow]

A man is sitting in his living room reading a book when his first born daughter comes in.
“Dad, how did you pick my name?” She asks.
“When you were born, and we were leaving the hospital,a rose petal fell on your forehead, and so we named you rose”, he answered.
Then his second daughter comes in.
“How did you pick my name?”, she asks.
“When you were born, and we were leaving the hospital, a lily petal fell on your forehead, and so we named you lily”, he answered.
Then the man’s third daughter comes in and says,
“Pffftblahpffhgggghgghgpffft.”
“Shut up Cinderblock!”

 

[pucho812]

to be truly successful in this business you have to have 1% inspiration, 98 percent perspiration and 2% attention to detail.

 

[pucho812]

Found a place that will give you gas for a $1.50, Taco Bell.

 

[ruffrecords]

A guy has a parrot that will not stop talking so he asks his friend if he knows of a way to shut it up. His friend says just leave the Parrot in the fridge for a couple of hours. So the guy says to his parrot."Do you promise to shut up?" and the Parrot tells him to go forth and multiply. So the guy shoves the parrot in the fridge for a couple of hours. When he comes back he takes the Parrot out of the fridge and says are going to shut up? and the Parrot says "Sir! Yes Sir! By the way, what the fuck did the chicken do?"

(courtesy of the late great Barry Cryer)

Cheers

Ian

 

[pucho812]

A mans wife has been in a coma for some time at the hospital. In talking with the doctor he is contemplating pulling the plug when the doctor says there is a new experimental way to wake someone out of a coma. The doctor says that he has read studies where the person in a coma had oral sex and that they would wake up. Perhaps the man should consider oral sex to see if it wakes his wife. After some thought he decides that it is the only way and the doctor leaves him alone in the hospital room to do the deed. After. minute or so the man is screaming for the doctor to come. When the doctor arrives, the man says "I think she is choking"

 

[pucho812]

April fools day is cancelled this year because there is bigger joke then the guy running the country right now.

 

[JohnRoberts]

April fools day is cancelled this year because there is bigger joke then the guy running the country right now.

If it was a joke, wouldn't it be funny?

JR

 

[EmilFrid]

My wife's so ugly the toilet automatically flushes when she enters the bathroom.

 

[JohnRoberts]

My wife's so ugly the toilet automatically flushes when she enters the bathroom.

OK heres a "funny" wife joke... (part of the hunting trilogy)...

These two hunters are walking through the woods and come upon a clearing. Theres a huge tree in the middle of the clearing and funny looking man is staring up at the tree and making faces. Every time he makes an ugly face a squirrel drops dead and falls out if the tree. The two hunters ask him what is he doing. He said he was "uglying" them down, and used to let his wife do it, but she tore them up too bad.

 

[pucho812]

If it was a joke, wouldn't it be funny?

JR

Some you just groan because they are so bad.

 

[Rybow]

Really loving this thread for a daily dose of laughs and groans.

One of my Dad’s classics:
We created a vegetable in science class today. We lobotomized a mouse

 

[pucho812]

this is part joke part true story.
Whenever I am working at a studio, I often nickname the studio assistant Belvedere. WHY?
Belvedere is the name of the loyal dog in the loony toons cartoons
Observe
Merrie Melodies - Dog Gone South | b98.tv

It is common to hear me summon the assistant "OH Belvedere, come here boy" just like the cartoom.

 

[EmilFrid]

Why is it called Eggs Benedict?

Because there's eggs in it.

 

[pucho812]

Here is a saint patricks day joke

Q: why wasn't jesus born in Ireland?

A: god couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.